It’s a tough spot, clinical psychologist and psychoanalystSuzanne Klein, Ph.D., tells SELF.
If youre nervous about having this conversation, ask yourself why.
Are you scared to talk about something so intimate?
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(This is a completely legit worry.)
Are you worried about their safety and wellbeing?
If its the latter, that might point to you having internalized some societal stigma about mental health.
The best way to broach the subject depends on the person.
Youre avoiding my calls and always seem withdrawn when were with friends.
I know youve said youre fine, but really, is anything going on?
How can I help?
That might initiate the floodgates.
How have you been dealing with life?
Although theres nothing wrong with having depression, diagnosing and labeling someone isnt your job.
Then ask, What do you think that’s about?
(Well explain what to do if they are a risk to themselves or others below.)
She suggests something like, You’re really important to me.
I see that you are suffering, and you dont need to suffer alone or in silence.
you’re free to get help with this.
You are telling them it’s OK to feel this way, Howes says.
This can help allay some of their fears and concerns about being judged, Klein adds.
Finding a therapist can feel like too much and interfere with getting treatment, Klein explains.
Legwork can be helpful, but don’t make the calls for themthat could be infantilizing.
They can feel betrayed, judged, or ganged up on, Howes says.
They may not see you have the best intentions.
This advice also applies to your one-on-one conversation with them.
you might say something like, OK, Im glad youre doing well.
it’s possible for you to always come to me if that changes.
Or they may simply not be ready to talk about their mental health yet.
Not meddling in their business is the best option.
If time passes and you notice that something still seems off, you might want to revisit the conversation.
Maybe it seemed like your loved one was right on the precipice of sharing but not quite ready.
You are planting seeds.
They might come back to you one day, Klein says.
This is one spot where your past relationship with the person really informs what you do.
If thats your situation, ask them.
That might be a huge help.
Remember, though, that its OK to continue your own life as you sustain your relationship.
In general, you’re able to offer help until that help drains your own wellbeing.
When you feel like giving is draining your own life, its probably way too much, Howes says.
With that in mind, its best to avoid generalities like, I always feel exhausted after we talk.
Instead, when theyre in a relatively good spot, focus on setting specific boundaries.
Have you talked about this with your therapist?
(Here aremore signsto look out for.)
Now is the time to speak up.
Dont be afraid to ask the person if they are feeling suicidal, Klein says.
If they say yes, help them contact their physician or get in touch with their family.
