Youve signed the petitions.
Youve posted on social media.
You haveprotested, hung signs in your windows.
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But theres a pit in your stomach about the thing you know you oughta do but have been avoiding.
And if youre like many of the white folks I know, that thing istalking to your family.
Some white people relish the opportunity to unload political grievances on their families.
Others shudder at the thought of conflict, overcome with anxiety about some lavishly imagined worst-case scenario.
Part of what were afraid of is that well do a bad job, or that well cause conflict.
To be clear, calling your family wont end police violence in itself.
And while this work takes longer, it can lead to much deeper, more transformative change.
Its also important for harm reduction.
And in all that confusion, theyre looking for anchors.
Theyre seeking out new narratives that make sense of a world that feels to them like its rapidly changing.
In those moments, no one can comfort usor bring us alonglike our families.
It isnt glamorous, but its a crucial part of how change happens.
We just have to do the work of starting those conversations.
And the truth is, weve got a short window to act.
Hopefully they work well for you too.
Things to keep in mind before you begin:
This is a longstanding principle of anti-racist work.
That means bringing folks along in education, yes, but also in action.
Think strategically about who to bring along and how those folks can show up for the movement.
Think about a big political issue youve changed or deepened your thinking on in the past decade or so.
For a lot of cisgender people, you might think of trans rights.
For citizens, you may consider immigration.
How long did it take you to revisit your old beliefs about communities you didnt know well?
Dont excuse bad behavior, but recognize that developing a deep, enduring commitment to anti-racism wont happen instantaneously.
It may take time.
Too often we white people approach conversations about race, racism, and white supremacy like a debate.
But the existence of racism isnt up for debate, and we shouldnt treat it like it is.
The key questions here arent about facts and figures, though those can help.
The key questions here are aboutwho gets to live and dieand whose deaths we will simply permit.
(After all, if we didnt care, we wouldnt bother.)
Fundamentally, anti-racist work is an expression of love and carejust a different one than were used to.
The way we talk about social justice issues matters a great deal.
Approach these conversations with care and humility.
Remember that you dont know everything either.
Be prepared to teach and to learn.
If we want to see openness and vulnerability, we have to lead with it.
I ask questions like What do you think about them?
and Why do you think that?
If they ask you about your own beliefs, answer honestly and lead with your own values.
At its best, this model helps walk folks through the faultiness and harm of their own thinking.
Collectively, as white people approaching conversations about race, were not very good at being vulnerable.
Consequently, when we are, our vulnerability makes a big statement.
Be open about your own learning process.
Share quotes, news articles, analysis, and personal accounts that have helped move you forward.
Be honest about what youre struggling with and whats challenging your thinking.
Dive into learning together.
Remember: Youre trying to move them forward, and youre moving yourself forward too.
Youre at different points, but youre on the same path.
Have a family member whos beginning to embrace anti-racism but hasnt taken action?
Move them to actionfirst,and work on deeper transformation as a long-term priority.
Go into a conversation with a few statements you’re free to return to time and time again.
Put it on your to-do list each day, or keep a log of conversations with family members.
Assess your tactics, learn from one another, and adjust your approach.
Lean into your own areas of discomfort.
Push yourself outside of your own comfort zone, both in learning and in action.
Listen to your gut.
Stay in the conversation and accept feedback.
Stay in relationship with your familyif you dont, who will?
Youve done much harder things than this before.
And while were worried about our own discomfort, Black people are worried about staying alive.
Find the compassion that drives you in this work.
Remember that compassion means solidarity, and solidarity means action.
I believe in you.
