No one wants to sit around chatting about their deepest sexual anxieties.
Because of this, there is a lot of room for folks to worry.
You feel like you have no idea what youre doing.
Getty / Dennis Jambalos / EyeEm
Listen, good sex takes practice.
For the most part, people are left to their own devices to figure out what sex isactuallylike.
This is especially true for people whose genders and sexualities arent represented in typical heteronormative sex ed.
The most common question I get is, How do I know if Imgood at sex?
This, Brown-James emphasizes, isnt the right question to be asking.
Youre embarrassed about masturbation.
Depending on a few different factors, you might have a lot of internalized shame and self-consciousness aroundmasturbation.
According to Francis, a lot of people have masturbation-related hangups.
Some masturbate alone, while others also do it in front of or with their sexual partner or partners.
Sex therapists have heard it all.
(Just double-check youre being safe.
So…dont use any of these thingsto get yourself off.)
You worry that youre not progressive enough.
Youve probably noticed that lifestyles likekinkandpolyamoryare bleeding into the mainstream.
Which is not true!
But plenty of people equate alternative sexual practices with progressiveness when its really about personal preference.
You feel pressured to have sex a certain way or amount.
Kahn likes to remind her clients that sex isnt a performance.
A lot of this is cultural messaging we have to unlearn.
Its not difficult to internalize pressure to be the perfect sexual partner.
After all, people in movies and porn are often ready and available for sex at all times.
Youre freaked out about a weird kink, fetish, or fantasy.
Some of these clients even feel ashamed to mention their fantasies or preferred porn in therapy, she adds.
The thing is, the vast majority of your fantasies have been around far longer than you have.
The porn you look at was developed because a lot of people want to watch it.
What if youdowant to carry out a fantasy youre worried is weird?
Theres constant comparison to this continually changing image of sexual perfection.
