All products featured on Self are independently selected by our editors.
However, we may receive compensation from retailers and/or from purchases of products through these links.
Stories dont describe our lives, they shape our lives.
Arman Zhenikeyev/Getty Images
Thats the mantra Murray Nossel, Ph.D., lives byand the one hes spent 25 years sharing with others.
One of the biggest: that listening to other peoples stories is just as important as telling your own.
Nossel suggests thinking of listening like a bowl, and storytelling as the liquid filling that bowl.
Both give shape to each other, he says.
Thats because conversation is two-way street.
And yes, theres a right way to listen, Nossel says.
Start by ridding your environment of obstaclesput your phone away, handle any outstanding distractions, and focus.
Then, sit back and listen without judging, criticizing, or interrupting.
Thats really all there is to it.
Here, five times you should put your listening skills to work.
Doing so can help you better understand what theyre going throughand how theyre reacting to it.
Nossel gives the example of someone who was laid off from a company where hed worked for many years.
He asks, What story is he going to tell himself about whats happened to him?
So listen carefully to get a sense of how your friend is feeling.
Is it a setback on a journey toward great things?
Or is it a defeating blow that they dont know how to bounce back from?
If theyre approaching the obstacle positively, encourage them to keep going.
Disagreements happen in anyrelationship.
And when they do, theres an opportunity for concerted storytelling and listening, Nossel says.
According to Nossel, vague, emotional statements can be harder to relate to than actual facts.
Example: Lets say your partner is frustrated because youve let the dishes pile up in the sinkagain.
(It happens.)
Take a second and listen to your partner.
Its easier to respond productively to You didnt do the dishes than Youre impossible, dont you think?
If youre a manager, Nossel recommends establishing a regular meeting dedicated to storytelling and listening.
But dont expect this to happen in the elevator or at the water cooler, Nossel warns.
Meaningful storytelling and listening requires more than just a few minutes of your time.
But it doesnt do much in the way of communicating that persons story.
How did they end up in their current position?
What inspired them to pursue this industry in the first place?
In his book, Nossel shares the story of a woman working in pharmaceutical research.
In fact, he could potentially still be treating them now.
Before too long, the group was uproarious.
So Nossel interrupted to ask the man to share his story.
The man spoke of his childhoodhe started looking after the familys livestock at 5 years old.
