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During the first year-ish of the pandemic, I counted down the minutes until I could crash into bed.
Denis Novikov / Adobe Stock
I assumed he would have opinions about what to watch during my sacred solo time.
And what if he wanted to make out when I felt like passing out?
Admittedly, I felt selfish about wanting to just lie there, streamingPEN15and scrolling Twitter.
Conventional wisdom tells us technology is bad.
Too much screen timedisrupts our sleepand disturbs our focus.
Casual social media use can turn into less-healthydoomscrolling.
And research points to potential negative effects of technology on relationships.
Take for instance, the phenomenon of technoference, or interruptions in couple interactions because of technology use.
I started to think of his phones as unwanted third (and fourth) partners in our marriage.
But did I tell him thats how I felt?
And, with a little self-awareness, our devices have the potential to bring us closer to our partners.
Thats why we consulted a couple of experts who specialize in the effects of technology on relationships.
1. give a shot to establish healthy tech boundaries.
But pandemic or not, theres a pitfall to our ubiquitous connection: thetechnoferencewe mentioned earlier.
Even if its only a momentary experience, it can feel like rejection, Dr. Drouin tells SELF.
It sends a signal to your partner that youre choosing your phone over them.
The best thing to do if technoference is a hot button issue in your relationship?
You guessed it: Talk to your partner.
But Dr. Drouin emphasizes that we should avoid threats and accusations.
Instead, venture to useI statements.
Think putting phones away at dinner or bedtime, or setting time limits for social media scrolling.
And its worth noting that phones dont interfere in every relationship.
Learn to read between the (text message) lines.
We have a lot to learn.
That way, partners are more likely to feel like theyre getting their emotional needs met.
If you cant decipher each others preferences from your text thread, have a chat.
Consider doing a self-diagnostic.
According to Dr. Winsberg, our texting history can provide an electronic health record of sorts for our relationship.
Recently, I read through my text exchanges with my husband.
His out of Ziplock bags text probably didnt count as riffing, just like my Are you coming?
could hardly be mistaken for sexting, given the context.
And according to her research, it can.
A super doable antidote?
Send nice text messages.
Use evening screen time to your advantage.
Andgood news for metogether tech-time totally counts.
In her book, Dr. Drouin writes, Simply going to bed with a romantic partner predicted bedtime satisfaction.
In turn, increased bedtime satisfaction led to more sexual, relationship, and life satisfaction.
What if Netflix isnt your jam?
According to theCDC, exposure to blue light can make it difficult to fall and stay asleep.
Make incremental autocorrection the goal.
Thats why she encourages couples to focus on small acts of romantic upkeep.
For houses, cars, and relationships, regular maintenance makes it possible to sustain satisfaction, she says.
For me this little-by-little mindset helps.
Even if love looks like a meme of Taylor Swift making heart hands.
Its easy to do, Dr. Luo says.
Remembering to do it is a big first step.
When nighttime rolls around, Ive taken Dr. Drouins advice about conversation and negotiation.
People dont like being forced to do something, Dr. Drouin tells SELF.
The best thing to do is ask your partner, What does your ideal bedtime look like?
Ive finally come around to his crashing my bedtime ritual, too.
Though he never got intoPEN15, we agree onOzarkand the idea of lights out by 10.
Ive actually started to prefer his armpit to the pillow I used when he wasnt lying next to me.
But Im not expecting a bolt of romantic lightning either.
