All products featured on Self are independently selected by our editors.
However, we may receive compensation from retailers and/or from purchases of products through these links.
I used to be a terrible communicator.
voyata/Getty Images
Also, I had problems with silence.
Put me in a room and Id be the first to fill the space.
My first love tragically passed away, and with his passing the world looked different.
Life was too unpredictable to disrespect others and myself with my interactions.
Life was to be enjoyed, not to suffer through.
I wanted to feel present, to enjoy my time here.
Using this style of self-communication changed my life.
I became a certifiedmeditationandmindfulnessinstructor and then published a book calledHow to Communicate Like a Buddhist.
Making this change in how you speak to yourself is not easy.
Its unlikely there will be a day when we defeat negative self-talk once and for all.
A common phrase I hear a lot is “Im an idiot.”
What I am plus a description does is imply a fixed or permanent state.
There is nowhere for you to go with this pop in of language, no opportunity for growth.
Instead of making a mistake, you are an idiot.
Instead of not getting that promotion, youre a loser.
Instead oftaking care of your needs, you are selfish.
You take a description and make it a part of who you are.
If you tell yourself you are these things often enough, you start to believe it.
The problem is that this leaves no room to be more than one thing.
Not meeting an internal expectation is one of the biggest ways we create negative self-talk.
The implication of this negative self-talk is that what you are right now isnt good enough.
I could be married right now and Im choosing to focus on mycareerinstead.
You might be pleasantly surprised to see wherenotsticking to the plan can take you.
The truth is that others are responsible for their own choices, just as we are responsible for ours.
Regret is extremely powerful when it comes to generating negative self-talk.
You want to look for the unexpected benefits, even if it takes years to uncover them.
These kinds of phrases are the most common jot down of judgment that leads to negative self-talk.
Our assumptions are more often reflective of what we think of ourselves than what anyone else thinks about us.
You cant know what anyone else is feeling or thinking; focus on what you know to be true.
Instead of saying something like, He thinks Im not good enough, focus on the action itself.
So itd become, He didnt invite me to join his team.
All that means is that he didnt invite me to join his team, nothing more or less.
I call this comparing your insides to someone elses outsides.
Comparing ourselves to others creates our own suffering.
Much of this habit is rooted in societal ideas about what is important.
Who defineswhat attractiveness is?
How does one define intelligence?
Instead of viewing life as competition, view it as cooperation.
