Show yourself as a friend no matter whether they decide to leave or not, Vassell says.
It really is aboutshowing,not just telling.
Continue to be supportive and stay connected and show up and invite them out, Vassell says.
Getty / Fanatic Studio / Gary Waters / SCIENCE PHOTO LIBRARY
People inabusive relationshipsoften have a hard time trusting their inner voice.
You want to help them find whats right for themselves.
How do you wish things were different between you two?
When did you last feel truly safe and happy with this person?
Respond to what your friend says by affirming their feelings, King suggests.
Keep in mind that your friend may not be ready to open up to you, and thats OK.
Putting the questions out there shows that you care enough to ask and could get your friend thinking.
Emily R., 39, was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship for about six years.
I dont blame them for not [asking these questions], obviously, Emily says.
I wouldnt have known what to say, either.
Disclosing is often one of the hardest things a survivor has to do, Vassell explains.
Theyve decided they want to share their most personal, hurtful, painful experiences with you.
Its a huge step.
As a friend, you should probably recognize that.
Sharing even a little bit can be hard.
Reassure your friend that they only need to tell you however much feels comfortable.
you’re free to show this concern without being judgmental or demanding.
I care about you, and Im worried that youre in a dangerous situation, Vassell says.
Where will they go when they leave?
Although your friend should be the one to lead the planning, you could offer to help.
Ask your friend, If things should escalate, what would you want me to do?
Can you hold on to some cash for them?
If your friend doesnt want to involve you, you might still point them towards resources.
There are many different reasons why people stay with theirabusers.
Another is a fear ofviolence, which is sadly valid.
Pushing your friend to leave before theyre ready can also isolate them.
She was a new mom with no job and a drive to keep her family together.
It felt like [my friends] were missing the point, she says.
I wasnt in a place to just leave.
You cant judge because you dont know everything thats going on, King says.
Emily, for example, was embarrassed by her lack of economic independence.
She was also dealing withdepressionand low self-esteem that made the idea of leaving seem infeasible.
Insulting (or even giving valid criticism of) your friends abuser wont convince them to leave.
Its actually more likely to create distance between you two.
This was the case for Emily.
You cant choose what your friend does.
But you’re free to be there.
Often we get into the mindset that we want to save the individual, Vassell says.
Its really hard to witness someone in an abusive situation and not be able to fix it.
The decision to leave is really up to that friend when theyre ready to do it, Vassell says.
They need to take that next step for themselves.
Looking back now, Emily wishes she had gotten out sooner but also believes nobody couldve made her.
It had to be my decision, and I had to be ready.
It took a long time and it was really, really hard, she says.
But I finally found the strength and did it.
And take care of yourself too.
Try doing that in combination with the suggestion to see a counselor above.
Can I help you find someone that does?
The loved ones of a person dealing with an abusive relationship need support as well.
