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I’m pretty suremonogamywas never for me.
In fourth grade, I got in trouble with my boyfriend because he found out I had another boyfriend.
Throughout high school and college, some of my relationships overlapped, and some were purely dishonest.
I hurt people, and it felt so wrong.
It was so wrong.
Thats when I met my partner on OkCupid.
Eventually, the inevitable conversation came up naturally about what we were, and what we could be.
In July of 2012, we began an open relationship.
I get that it can be hard for a lot of people to understand.
But it works for us, and its not as unusual as it seems.
Here are some of the most common questions I get.
What does it mean to be in an open relationship, anyway?
There are tons of versions.
Or as Dan Savage calls it, we are monogamish.
Even that can look really different from relationship to relationship.
My partner and I keep our lovers separate (more on that later).
It’s up to the couple to decide what levels of involvement with secondary partners feels comfortable.
Beyond that, each pair or group determines their own limits and guidelines.
Even more are interested in the concept.
But why do you need this when you have a great S.O.
I have always been one of these people.
For most of my life I was a serial monogamist and constantlycheating.
In fact, I only had onesuccessful monogamous relationship.
And he gets to, too.
(Andeverybody gets laid.)
A lot of non-monogamous couples joke that they spend more time talking about it than they do getting any.
That is the case with us.
Why are you so anti-monogamy?
I’m not saying monogamy is impossible, or improbable.
I know lots ofpeople who have very successful monogamous relationshipsand are really happy together.
We build and modify the relationshipand the rulesas we go.
Yes, we have rules!
What are your rules?
We started with very few, and now we have a few more that weve devised along the way.
Rule 1:
This was the first rule we made up: This is our primary relationship.
We make a point not to spend too much time with secondary partners.
Rule 2:
Honesty.
But that’s something we’ve never really had to make an effort for.
Rule 3:
Always get consent from the person whos getting involved.
And of course, let each other know when we’ll be seeing someone else.
But we got through it together.
We made a new rule then: No sleeping with Facebook friends, no friending lovers.
Rule 6:
ALWAYS use protection.
Do you get jealous?
Yes, of course!
In monogamous relationships in the past, I was jealous all the time.
And I know the same about him.
Confirmed, moving on.
And theres no confidence booster like remembering that its me whom he comes home to and loves deeply.
My partner has made it clear what a catch I am.
He knows all of my quirks, he knows what makes me tick and how to reason with me.
Nobody knows me like he does, and nobody is going to know him like I do.
Weve removed the ownership that can come with a conventional relationship.
and Are you going to Mexico with her?
(obviously yes, and obviously no, in that order)just to hear it come from him.
I can also complain to him when lovers are uncool to me, and vice versa.
Since were structured upon honesty, I know I’ll get an honest answer or honest advice.
Weve benefited so much from open communication all-around.
Plus, knowing our significant other is desired by other people is actually pretty sexy.
What do you do while he’s out with another woman?
Sometimes I like seeing him leave for a date looking really sexy and kissing him before he goes out.
My friends make me laugh and feel better.
Occasionally well have dates on the same night, but it happens rarely.
What if you fall in love with someone else?
We communicate so much that nothing major would go unnoticed and not talked about.
Besides that, we’ve eliminated the temptation element, so sex isnt a risky, adrenaline-driven sin.
What about that cute guy at work?
Cant you fall in love with him?
Thanks for briefing me.
OK, maybe this isntverbatima question I get all the time.
Heres what I did to prepare myself to be in an open relationship.
Before agriculture and population growth, sexual promiscuity strengthened communities, rather than fueling jealousy.
Applying that community structure to modern-day functionality was a bit more of a challenge, however.
It gives your mind incredible power, and your relationship incredible validity.
They will let you know.
Update: This story was edited after publication.
