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Hadley Vlahos:Dont be afraid toask for helpand take it day by day.
Courtesy of Hadley Vlahos / Amanda K Bailey
For many people, caregiving is a marathon, not a sprint.
Its not sustainable to care for someone else for that long without a break.
There is no shame in asking for or accepting help.
Do you have any tips for caregivers on how they can take care of their own mental health?
If its feasible, I would absolutely recommendgetting a therapistor licensed mental health counselor.
Caregiving can be isolating and overwhelming.
Having someone to help you through those emotions can make a world of a difference.
I used to be very scared of the unknown.
What happens when we die?
Is it going to hurt?
Now that Ive been with so many patients as theyve died, I no longer fear it.
I witness patients process their inevitable death and come to peace with it.
I watch patients see their deceased loved ones before they die and feel very comforted by their presence.
Whats a common misconception about death that more people should be aware of?
I think that most people feel like their death is out of their hands and out of their control.
They feel like they have no other choice.
Patients are allowed to prioritize whats important to them at the end of life.
What do you think more people should know about hospice care?
It isnt as depressing as it seems.
I know, death seems depressing, but the reality is that it is unavoidable.
Hospice care is attempting to make it better by putting the patients comfort as the priority.
I think thats beautiful.
Have you noticed any patterns after guiding so many families through the process?
Practical questions should include What does a good death look like to you?
This is different for everyone.
Some people absolutely want to be at home, while others would rather be anywhere else.
Some people want all of their loved ones there while others want privacy.
At some point, you should find out your loved onesfuneral wishesas wellare religious traditions important to them?
What do they want for a final resting place: burial or cremation?
I always ask my patients what their goal is while on hospice, and their answers vary greatly.
The answers people have are fascinating.
One day, I asked him why he thought that was.
If you live near someone, offer specific help.
Oftentimes, I see people saying, Let me know what I can do for you.
While this is well-intentioned, many caregivers feel burdened by it.
They dont know what that includes.
Are you willing to come stay with their loved one for an afternoon?
Or are you just offering a phone call?
Instead, offer specific help.
Try: Im dropping off dinner this week.
Does Tuesday work for you?
Does Sunday afternoon work?
I do this both for my friends who are caregivers and my friends who are grieving.
How did your experience as a young, single mom shape your career as a caregiver?
It taught me a lot of empathy.
Its just going to make someonefeel badabout their circumstances.
Youve spoken onTikTokabout raising your three kids in a death-positive household.
What does that mean and look like?
For me, its about not avoiding the topic.
If someone dies I say that they died.
If my kids have questions I answer them honestly in an age-appropriate way.
I dont ever change the subject to avoid feeling uncomfortable.
How early did you start having those conversations with your kids?
As soon as they could talk and understand.
A simple way to incorporate this is with bugs and flowers.
If Im talking about my day and a patient died, I will tell my children that they died.
My 10-year-old sometimes has questions and I answer them honestly.
He listened intently, then went back to eating his dinner.
This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.
