I was the strongest I had ever been when life ground to a halt.
It was November 2016.
As I rose to stand, clutching the giant orb to my chest, I realized I was exhausted.
Geoff Fitzgerald
Like, I could nap right here on this fake grass exhausted.
I wondered if maybe I hadnt eaten enough before my session or slept poorly the night before.
But the next morning, as I dry-heaved in the bathroom, I knew something was really off.
While we were both excited, we tempered our expectations.
We knew too many friends who had experiencedpregnancy lossto assume this was a sure thing.
Three weeks later, an ultrasound revealed that at 6.5 weeks gestation, there was no heartbeat.
A second ultrasound a week later confirmed I was miscarrying.
Over the next week, I bled as my body passed what it no longer needed.
Some days there was light spotting.
On others, I could feel the clumps of tissue forcing their way out.
Now I was surprised at how easily my strength could be defeated.
The armor I had built seemed to crumble, leaving me vulnerable and broken.
The family timeline I had envisioned for myself slipped further and further away.
The muscles that once tightened and braced to move heavy things went slack.
As I put one foot in front of the other, I cried big, ugly tears.
Sometimes Id catch myself staring blankly at the wall.
Other times the pit of grief in my stomach made it hard to stand upright.
The only thing that seemed to have any noticeable impact on my sadness was returning to the gym.
I channeled all my anger, exhaustion, and hurt into moving the barbell.
I couldnt explain it, but strength training was bringing me back to life.
It forced my attention to my abdomen, an area that had been home to tremendous stress and sadness.
Its, Im powerful.
People whove experienced trauma often lose that, they lose the connection to self.
Then I looked through my phones camera roll from the same time period.
It was as if my brain knew my body needed those momentsproof of capability and power.
Now I know that strength isnt about being immune to pain or impervious to failure.
Its about managing the struggle.
Adapted fromSecrets of Giantsby Alyssa Ages.
Copyright 2023 by Alyssa Ages.
Published by Avery Publishing Group, an imprint of Random House, a division of Penguin Random House LLC.
