I recently realized that it was time to have the big talk with my 8-year-old daughter aboutsex.
But shed never expressed interest beyond that, and gaps in her knowledge remained.
The lead in was perhaps unconventional.
Susanna Hayward
She was asking aboutabortionin the context of the recent presidential election.
And I realized we had now discussedsexual assaultand abortion, but not sex.
I asked her if she knew what sex was and she said yes.
So I explained the logistics of intercourse in age-appropriate detail.
I told her that heterosexual intercourse could result inpregnancybut there are other kinds of sex as well.
But the rest our sex talk perhaps isnt a part of everyones dialogue.
Its an attempt to remove the narrative that anything short of screaming and fighting for ones life is consent.
More simply putconsent is abig, obvious yesfrom all parties involved in the act.
In a way, Ive been teaching my daughter this principle her whole life.
So when we applied it to sex, the idea seemed to click.
This content can also be viewed on the site itoriginatesfrom.
But the big reason people have sex is because they think it feels good.
All of these mental gymnastics and none of it about my own boundaries or desires.
We see this missing in dialogue aboutsexual assaultwhen it happens to girls and women.
We ask questions about if she fought back, if she said no, if she yelled.
But we never even seem to wonder, Was she participating?
Was she exclaiming excitement and pleasure?
Did she say yes clearly and enthusiastically?
They now have information about the bodys response to trauma andwhat constitutes consent.
As asurvivor of sexual assaultmyself, both were true for me.
Im also experiencing an adulthood awakening to my sexual body I am still seeking to uncover in healthy ways.
That it is something people do that feels good.
That everyone has to want to and is able to change their minds.
I realize for some parents this way of teaching sounds terrifying or even immoral.
But for me it feels downright dangerous any other way.
It keeps even talking about it shameful, and determining consent seem so muddy.
But it isnt muddy.
Consent is joyful participation.
It respects everyone involved and seeks each a good time.
It isnt a challenging line at all.
And it’s something both young men and young women need to understand and embrace.
My conversation with my daughter was simple andage appropriate: Everyone wants to and everyone can change their minds.
This basic principle will form a foundational understanding that we can build upon as she grows older.
Its something you choose and not something that happens to you.
I didnt even know to want this for myself.
You May Also Like: I Have a Pre-Existing Condition: Real People Share Their Health Conditions
