She knows well how conflicting the whole process can feel.
Theres a lot of guilt around, Im not the patient with cancer.
My needs and feelings dont matter.
Shutterstock / Melitas
But that doesnt mean it alwaysfeelsnormal.
For reasons youll read below, this can be especially true when a loved one gets alung cancerdiagnosis.
At his request, I took over every aspect of his life, Kelly tells SELF.
It almost goes without saying, but it was one of the toughest periods of Kellys life.
I felt frustrated and angry all the time, she says.
At my father, at the doctors, at the nurses, at the medical care.
Were human, Applebaum says.
That dynamic was only amplified in the close quarters of a caregiving relationship.
This is a fair coping mechanism.
Whats important, Applebaum notes, is that you havesomewhereto vent these feelings.
For Kelly, that was her husband and friends.
I couldnt help but think, I told you so!
Of course that would cross your mind, she says.
Its about normalizing it and moving forward.
Focusing your attention onwhysomething happened is actually allowing one to avoid the challenges of the present moment.
For some people, the blame turns inward.
How had she contributed to his suffering?
Its something she says shes still working through, especially with the help of atherapist.
With that comes a sense of powerlessness.
I had to put my life on hold and completely reorient myself.
My life disappeared overnight, and there was nothing I could do.
Though this was ultimately Michelles choice, it was far from easy on her emotions.
I have lived in cities ever since I graduated from undergrad.
Then, of course, theres the fact that its excruciating to feel helpless to someone elses suffering.
You just cant take the pain away.
Applebaum says that a lack of control is a big trigger point for a lot of caregivers.
She tries to help them recognize where they do have control, even in seemingly small ways.
That was a big form of self-care for Kelly when she felt powerless, she says.
But you both are probably experiencing similar worries.
Anika swore by theRing Theorywhen she was her moms caretaker.
The motto, Anika explains, is Comfort in, dump out.
Michelle had a similar experience.
Two weeks before her mother passed away, Michelle and her dad put her mom inhospice care.
At that point, she dealt with emotions that made her feel selfish.
Sometimes I found myself getting antsy and frustrated.
I wanted to get on with my life.
Its important to recognize that both can be true, says Applebaum.
I didnt ask for help until I was so far gone, she says.
Youre going to need it.
We just couldnt take care of her [alone] anymore, Michelle says.
Its hard to make those decisions and ask for help, but Applebaum says its crucial.
She calls to mind that airplane-safety mandate to always put on your own oxygen mask before helping anyone else.
