Just last week, I was called selfish by a stranger on the internet.
An article that Id written aboutnot having childrenwas re-posted online and I received an onslaught of Facebook messages.
Most of them were insightful and kindbut a handful were calling me selfish.
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But this time it struck me in a new way.
People high on these traits tend to be quite selfish and manipulative, he explains.
Were not all selfish by default, but its normal to lean toward the self-centered side of the spectrum.
We tend to evaluate the world related to our own goals, he says.
We overestimate the contribution that we have made to group activities compared to other people.
A truly selfish person may upset the balance of reciprocity that naturally exists in relationships.
A selfish person in that context is someone who does not contribute their share, Markman says.
Over time, they get dropped as friends or ostracized as neighbors or colleagues.
I have some friends who are so completely unselfish.
She’s not the only person I know like that.
(Cough, cough.)
And I attempt to practice empathy and kindness.
But does that make me not selfish?
I have only myself, my husband, a dog and a cat to take care of.
I care for my family, but I am not their caretaker.
Ive put my needs before others.
He set me straight right away: Adults have been decrying the me generation forever.
Then, be willing to listen to the answer without getting defensive.
So thats what I did.
I texted some and emailed others, and I asked if they I thought I tended to act selfishly.
I encouraged them to be honest.
This was research, after all!
And I could take it, I swear.
My East coast bestie simply replied, Um, no.
She has two toddlers, so Im chalking that up as lack of time to reply with my faults.
Maybe deciding not to have children was a selfish choice.
But is being selfish always a bad thing?
Were constantly forcefed self-care articles and the gospel of me time.
How do we distinguish between taking care of our mental health and being stingy?
Why does a woman choosing a fulfilling career and marriage over childbearing make her selfishnot self-aware?
Deciding not to puts your needs first.
Ask them whether it’s possible for you to help with anything they need, he tells me.
Im also going to look out for people in my life who arent giving me what I need.
If they will not contribute to the friendship, it might betime to let them go.
