Ariana Madix was famous.
And then, seemingly overnight, she becameveryfamous.
The tryst was so notorious that it became its own proper noun: Scandoval.
Christopher Willard/Getty Images
(If it didnt already ring a bell, it probably has now.)
Consider the number that being on reality TV, a famously cruel genre, would take on anyones self-esteem.
(Even for someone who, like Madix, is conventionally attractive and thin.)
Today, Madix is back on airserving sambas instead of palomas.
So when Ariana Madix looks at herself on screen today, what does she see?
This interview has been lightly edited and condensed for length and clarity.
I mean, I wasnt going to go to the library and check out a book about mental health.
I didnt even know that was a thing.
Growing up, my image of something like an eating disorder was very extreme.
These extreme cases were the only things that I really understood at that time.
And then I look back and I realize: Oh yeah, girl, this was bad.
I think about it and Im like, yeah, that makes sense.
I had no control.
Thats when my eating disorder was really able to get its claws in and take hold.
Theindie sleaze erawas thriving when I came of age, and I was very active on Tumblr.
This was also around the time that people were talking openly about thigh gaps.
I think back on it and I dont know why I was trying so hard to fit that mold.
Of course, theres still a lot of that today, but now its more subtle.
Now its like, Oh my gosh, shes so beautiful.
She can wear anything.
And Im like, Why do you think that is?
Why do you say that?
I think its a little bit more insidious now.
My self-awareness did not come until way later.
I think about it and Im like, yeah, that makes sense.
I had no control.
I certainly dont feel like I am completely healed and on the other side of it.
I still have to catch myself sometimes.
Earlier today I had a photo shoot and I was worried about my body.
Ill tell myself, No, go have a freaking pizza, and knock it off.
But my partner, Pasha Pashvok, is really encouraging and positive.
Hell say, I don’t know what youre talking about.
At first I was like, That sounds great.
I cant snap my fingers and have a different bodyits just not going to happen.
Its freeing because the dance is the only thing that matters in that moment.
Sometimes, I would watch episodes ofVanderpumpafter theyd air.
Or before the reunions, Ill go back and watch the season again.
Its hard to see, because I only know about the moments that Ive lived.
Overall,Dancing with the Starsis night and day different from doingVanderpump Rulesand Im just loving it.
Sometimes, I feel like that girlmy younger selfis still there.
Sometimes she still needs help.
I am putting myself out there being on reality TV, but its really tough to be judged.
I definitely feel less alone because of everything Ive been through on TV and through telling my story.
Theres room for everyone.
No one needs to be elbowing or fighting their way to the top.
You have to realize, there is no top.
None of that is going to get you where you think it is.
If that means I cant work out today, then I dontI cant.
Im not going to beat myself up over it.
Thats somethingtherapyhas given me that I cant really get anywhere else.
But sometimes, I feel like that girlmy younger selfis still there.
Sometimes she still needs help.
Its natural to want to be liked.
I try not to take that personally, but sometimes I still struggle with that.
And I am proud of that.
