Its never easy to witness someone in the throes of active addiction.
What I didn’t expect is how emotional and nauseated I would feel within even the first five minutes.
Warning: This Drug May Kill Youopens with a series of clips that capture various individuals mid-overdose.
The author at 21, right before her heroin use escalated. Courtesy of Erin Khar
In between these harrowing moments, the documentary intersperses facts about the skyrocketing opioid crisis.
The numbers are startling:Overdose-related deaths havealmost tripled between 1999 and 2014.
I asked the boy I was with if he had any Vicodin.
The author the year before she got caught and went to rehab for the first time. Courtesy of Erin Khar
He said no, but he did have heroin, and that was that.
I continued to use off and on until I got pregnant with my son at age 28.
I didnt look like a heroin addict to anyone around me.
The author in a recent photo, happy and healthy with her son. Courtesy of Erin Khar
Things took a turn when I was 23.
I began using again, and my habit swelled.
My fiance at the time caught me, and I went to rehab for the first time.
To say that those closest to me were shocked would be an understatement.
I believed that my life would continue this way until I overdosed or killed myself.
That first trip to rehab was nearly 20 years ago.
At that time, theopioid epidemichad yet to fully take off.
Or, Heroin is the one drug I would NEVER touch.
Most of those are opioid-related, and HBO’s new documentary wants to illuminate the problem.
Sadly, Ashley overdosed and died.
Far beyond the physical addiction, emotional pain is whats driving this epidemic.
When Stephany relapsed during filming, her mother took custody of Stephany’s daughter, Audrey.
And once again, I thought,that could have been me.
My parents had contingency plans in place for when, not if, I relapsed.
But themoment I saw my son, some switch inside me flipped.
Instantly, I loved him more than I hated myself.
Why did something click for me then?
Part of it may be luck.
I have often described escaping addiction like winning the lottery.
But there is more to it.
It wasn’t just that one moment of seeing my son for the first time.
It took facing my longtime battle with mental health issues.
It took talktherapyand spiritual work and cognitive behavioral work and, eventually, a mood stabilizer.
The truth is, yes I worked really hard.
This is preventable destruction that affects families and friends and future generations.
Shame is what drives the vicious relapse cycles that addicts get stuck in.
People are ashamed to talk about it, to admit it.
This is especially true when it comes to heroin.
Shame is a gatekeeper that prevents people from seeking help.
I liken my addiction story to being in a room on fire.
That’s why I write about my past and my addiction with complete transparency and openness.
I can say with absolute certainty that there is no part of my past of which I am ashamed.
Does that mean I wouldn’t do things differently if I could back in time?
But it does mean I can look at myself in the mirror.
What that honesty and willingness to talk about it and write about it have given me is freedom.
My hope is that we see the rate ofopioid addictionsand opioid-related deaths decline.
That we shatter the stigma.
That we stop the shame cycle.
That more of us are able to walk out of that room on fire, right out the door.
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