For the first time, Bebe Rexha is ready to share the depths of her story.
She doesnt take long to open up.
A few months earlier, in April, Rexha hadtweeted to her 1.6 million followersthat she has bipolar disorder.
Heather Hazzan. Wardrobe Styling by Yashua Simmons at the Wall Group. Prop Styling by Bryn Bowen at Jones MGMT. Makeup by Ash Kholm at the Wall Group. Hair by Angelina Panelli. Manicure by Mel Shengaris at Forward Artists. On Bebe: Jacket by Isabel Marant.
I was very fearful, she adds.
I didnt want to think there was something wrong with me.
But she looks down when I ask why she feels its important to talk more openly about herbipolar disorder.
Heather Hazzan. Wardrobe Styling by Yashua Simmons at the Wall Group. Prop Styling by Bryn Bowen at Jones MGMT. Makeup by Ash Kholm at the Wall Group. Hair by Angelina Panelli. Manicure by Mel Shengaris at Forward Artists. On Bebe: Jacket by Balenciaga. Bodysuit by Rochelle Sara. Pants by Helmut Lang. Shoes by Manolo Blahnik. Earrings by 3.1 Philip Lim.
Each of her long, cherry-red nails comes to a fine point.
That was my worst fear all my life: going crazy, she says.
Thats why I decided to really open up and to free myself from that.
Heather Hazzan. Wardrobe Styling by Yashua Simmons at the Wall Group. Prop Styling by Bryn Bowen at Jones MGMT. Makeup by Ash Kholm at the Wall Group. Hair by Angelina Panelli. Manicure by Mel Shengaris at Forward Artists. On Bebe: Earring by 3.1 Philip Lim.
Bleta Bebe Rexha was born to Albanian parents on August 30, 1989, in Brooklyn, New York.
She released her debut studio album,Expectations,in 2018.
And late last year she wrapped up a five-month stint opening for the Jonas BrothersHappiness Beginstour.
Heather Hazzan. Wardrobe Styling by Yashua Simmons at the Wall Group. Prop Styling by Bryn Bowen at Jones MGMT. Makeup by Ash Kholm at the Wall Group. Hair by Angelina Panelli. Manicure by Mel Shengaris at Forward Artists. On Bebe: Jacket by Isabel Marant.
Staying true to herself in this sense is what shes most proud of, she tells me.
It allowed me to follow my dreams and believe in myself, allowed me to break the rules.
My last album was cool.
Heather Hazzan. Wardrobe Styling by Yashua Simmons at the Wall Group. Prop Styling by Bryn Bowen at Jones MGMT. Makeup by Ash Kholm at the Wall Group. Hair by Angelina Panelli. Manicure by Mel Shengaris at Forward Artists. On Bebe: Jacket by Isabel Marant. Bra by Norma Kamali. Swim bottoms by Rochelle Sara. Tights by Wolford.
There were some incredible songs on there.
But I feel like a lot of them werent true to who I am as an artist.
To accomplish it, shes exposing her most vulnerable side yet.
Heather Hazzan. Wardrobe Styling by Yashua Simmons at the Wall Group. Prop Styling by Bryn Bowen at Jones MGMT. Makeup by Ash Kholm at the Wall Group. Hair by Angelina Panelli. Manicure by Mel Shengaris at Forward Artists. On Bebe: Coat by Isabel Marant. Bodysuit by Adam Selman. Shoes by Gianvito Rossi.
Rexhas reciting lyrics from a song, Break My Heart Myself, from her upcoming album.
The way her voice cocoons some vowels and extends others lends melody even though shes not quite singing.
It goes like, Hello, my name is Stevie.
Heather Hazzan. Wardrobe Styling by Yashua Simmons at the Wall Group. Prop Styling by Bryn Bowen at Jones MGMT. Makeup by Ash Kholm at the Wall Group. Hair by Angelina Panelli. Manicure by Mel Shengaris at Forward Artists. On Bebe: Coat by Isabel Marant. Bodysuit by Adam Selman.
/ Actually, Im lying.
/ Its the meds.
They make me really sleepy.
Heather Hazzan. Wardrobe Styling by Yashua Simmons at the Wall Group. Prop Styling by Bryn Bowen at Jones MGMT. Makeup by Ash Kholm at the Wall Group. Hair by Angelina Panelli. Manicure by Mel Shengaris at Forward Artists. On Bebe: Jacket by Isabel Marant. Bra by Norma Kamali. Swim bottoms by Rochelle Sara. Tights by Wolford.
/ Klonopin, my friend, yeah, she numbs the feeling, Rexha says.
And then its, My doctor upped my dosage.
/ My mom felt bad, so she sent me roses.
/ But without it, I get really hopeless, / and 5.7 of Americans know it.
People with bipolar I can also experience mixed episodes that feature both highs and lows.
She quickly adds, Which you totally could dotheres not anything wrong with that.
But I like to be sarcastic about things sometimes.
It takes away the pain and the hurt.
Rexhas been through a lot of that on this journey.
I was so worried all the time, she says.
Im scared of everything.
There were other signs that something was wrong, like a menstrual cycle that brought with it crushing sadness.
My mom would call it code red, she says.
I would get super hyper, and I would text everybody, and Id just get sloppy.
I couldnt control my emotions, and I was always super anxious, and couldnt sit still.
Shed spend a lot of money too, she says.
These are classic symptoms of mania.
As often happens with bipolar disorder, Rexhas mood swings could be dangerous.
It made me feel just weird feelings, weird emotions, weird thoughts all the time.
Not normal thoughts, she tells me.
Its the war you have inside your head: Will it affect my career?
Will people judge me?
Will they want to work with me?
Its all in your head.
Take a walk, she explains.
Its just an illness.
I made an adult decision to take another step to better myself.
I was kind of just going with the flow, she says.
But one day she decided to ask her therapist directly.
I was like, Can I ask you a question?
Soon after, Rexha tweeted what shed just found out.
That was my moment of being like, Fuck this, she says.
Once the news was out, Rexha felt freedom tempered by fear.
Or you just keep it to yourself, she says.
At the end of the day, its nobodys business.
Its something that Im going through, but its not me.
Theres a common trope that taking psychiatric medication will make it harder to create your art.
Rexha says she worried about this initially, but that those fears were misplaced.
I waited a very long time until I took meds, she says.
I was really scared that it was going to change who I was and flatten me out.
Luckily, the reality of taking medication hasnt validated those concerns.
Im still the same person in the studio, she says.
Yes, she still has a lot of feelings.
Its helped me live a more balanced life, less ups and downs.
When my medication started kicking in, I couldnt believe how I felt.
I couldnt believe thats how good people could feel.
You have to have communication.
Its your body, its your brain.
So it cant be just something that you take and then you disappear for three years.
Theres certain things I have to stay away from….
I have to be really careful because it can really throw me off and its fucking scary.
Then theres the dating part.
Im not perfect, says Rexha.
I have my moments.
Imagine if youre dating somebody and youre on the road and you have mood swings….
Sometimes Ill get crazy in my head and start being like, Who is that girl?
But extra, extra, like, Were broken up!
She mimes texting furiously.
Sometimes Ill have my moments and do it five days in a row.
Unblock, block, unblock, block, unblock.
Yeah, its intense.
But then thats not meant to be, she says.
Theres her mom, for starters.
Hes so incredible, she says.
Hes able to take [emotions] out of me and help me make it into art.
Theres her best friend Wilford, a stylist she met on a shoot eight years ago.
Hes been through the whole [mental health] process with me too.
I was so scared, and he was even scared.
He was like, So what does that mean?
And, of course, theres Rexhas eight-pound rescue dog, Bear.
Shes my best friend in the whole wide world.
I was not a very nice person to be around.
I would hurt other people.
Treatment has helped her curb this behavior, as has simply growing up.
I definitely think Ive changed a lot.
Unless I have to be.
No matter her regrets, she doesnt want any pity about having bipolar disorder.
Theres nothing to feel bad for.
Im fine, Im healthy, Im working on myself, she tells me.
Im bettering myself as a human.
I do a lot of high-intensity interval training because thats basically what [performing] is, she says.
When shes at home, Rexha likes to relax by cleaning.
She also loves cooking for friends and family.
If you come to my house, youre eating, she says.
But, duty calls, and she has more work to do after our interview.
I think being a rock star is more of the way that you live your life.
A true rock star is unapologetic.
You eat what you want, live what you want, say what you want.
That is what I consider rock n roll.
And its what shes going for in all aspects of her life, both personal and professional.
I just dont like being stuck in any box, Rexha says.
No matter what it is.
