An intake nurse led me behind a curtain.
How much pain are you in?
Ten, I said, closing my eyes.
Portrait of the author / Photo by Ryan Cheng
Crohns diseaseis a chronic inflammatory bowel disease that causes my body to attack my digestive system.
Whats much clearer is that Crohns can cause serious complications, like the hole mine whittled through my intestines.
This fistula, as its known medically, led to the sepsis infection that landed me in the ER.
You should have been in the ICU, my ER doctor told me after I received my sepsis diagnosis.
Youre lucky you came in when you did.
Up until then, my Crohns had seemed under control.
I was fineuntil I wasnt.
The experience shook me to my core.
I was diagnosed with Crohns disease when I was 17.
At the time it wasnt a huge deal.
I had common symptoms likediarrheaand fatigue, but they were mild enough that I mainly struggled to adapt socially.
My Crohnsbecame this awkward thingI wanted to avoid talking about with anyone but my mom and my doctors.
I also tookcorticosteroidsto keep my bodys inflammation at bay.
For a while this worked so well that I didnt really identify as a person who had Crohns.
I could have gone intoseptic shock, which can be life-threatening.
Now my husband injects me with my biologic on a strict timeline every other week.
Thanks to this treatment, my Crohns is inactive.
But even this has come at a cost.
I have to be persistent about making sure I schedule those blood draws and dermatology appointments.
Making sure I call my doctors when I have questions.
Making sure Im the polite but squeaky wheel so nothing is overlooked or left out.
Making sure I have enough of my biologic in my refrigerator.
Making sure I always have solidhealth insurancebecause theres no way I could afford the drug without it.
My Crohns emergencies and treatment have made me the throw in of preoccupied person I wasnt before.
Then I got pregnant.
I waited to conceive until my Crohns was inactive.
We dont want active flares of Crohns during pregnancy if we can help it.
That’s because being pregnant or giving birth when you have active Crohns can lead to complications.
After I became pregnant, my gastroenterologist recommended that I continue taking my biologic to manage the disease.
I imagine that anyoneworriesto a certain extent when they get pregnant.
Im also scared of how childbirth might make me feel even more robbed of control.
While Im excited to be welcoming our first baby soon, I cant be purely ecstatic.
Like many other people who have been through something traumatic, Im always waiting for something to go wrong.
Sometimes Ive stayed up at night wondering, worrying.
Will my baby be all right through this?
Will we be okay?
Instead Im trying to control what I can, like taking mymedicationand keeping all of my doctors appointments.
And throughtherapyand embracing a yoga practice, Im trying to let go of what I cant.
Birth is surrender, my teacher said.
How deeply can you surrender?
Thats about all I can do.
Annalise Mabe is a writer and teacher from Tampa, Florida.
She can be found at @AnnaliseMabe onTwitter, @Annalise.Gray onInstagram, and atannalisemabe.com.
