"Breast Cancer Changed Our Relationship"

“We were totally psyched,” recalls the vivacious 37-year-old.

“At first we were going to invite 20 close friends and family.

Then it morphed into a barbecue for 50.”

There was only one shadow.

Several weeks earlier, Judy had found a lump in her breast.

“She was the healthiest person I knew,” says Drew, 36.

“She’s like the Energizer bunny.”

We’ll go on just like we did before.'"

Suddenly, though, the couple’s bright future together blurred.

Our heads were spinning," Judy says.

“Drew was my second set of ears,” she says.

Within two weeks, they’d found doctors and scheduled Judy’s double mastectomy for late August.

“Compared with our initial panic, we were relieved,” Judy says.

“We had a game plan.”

With surgery looming, another couple might have canceled their party plans.

But Judy and Drew decided to go ahead with the celebration, down to the four-tiered birthday cake.

“We wanted to set a positive tone,” she says.

“It sounds strange, but I didn’t want a lot of tears.

I didn’t want to suddenly be seen as a cancer victim,” Judy says.

Drew also made an effort to stay positive: “I didn’t want Judy to feel any doubt.

We had great doctors.

For her sake, I kept telling her that everything was going to be fine.”

Adopting a take-charge attitude came naturally to the couple.

From the time they started dating in 1996, Judy says, “we were doers.

I’d say, ‘Let’s go hiking!’

and Drew would say, ‘Hiking?

OK,’ even if that was the last thing on his mind.

One year, I wanted to learn horseback riding.

Drew wasn’t interested but agreed to come along.

We were a good yin and yang that way.”

Drew says he liked that Judy had her own life and interests.

“I’m more into sports stuff that she couldn’t care less about,” he says.

It was easy, effortless, even after we had Reese.

There was nothing negative, nothing that let us know this was coming."

“If anything, I thought cancer would bring us closer,” Judy says.

Instead, each coped with the strain in different ways.

“Drew was the one taking care of things; I was much more overwhelmed.

I’d never had to depend on him.

I wasn’t used to that,” Judy explains.

He also took on the lion’s share of parenting responsibilities.

“I was so weak that I couldn’t give Reese a bath,” Judy recalls.

“I couldn’t even pick her up when she cried.”

Yet despite the new burdens on himas a partner and a parentDrew was resolutely optimistic about their new situation.

“Some people deal with things that are far worse.

I just wanted to be there for Judy and Reese.

I did what I had to do.

I had a full plate, but I knew we would pull through.”

Fortunately, Drew’s companyhe works in corporate staffingwas very accommodating.

Things were busy, but I kept reminding myself that this was a temporary situation."

Still, certain new realities were hard to ignore.

The nipples were gone.

But it’s not like anything you’ve seen before."

He emphasizes, however, that Judy’s physical changes weren’t important to him.

“I think a lot of women with breast cancer are afraid their husbands won’t find them attractive.

So you have to work hard to make them not feel that way.

My whole attitude was, What the hell do I have to complain about?

Yes, it’s terriblebut look at what she’s going through.

The possibility of dying supersedes everything.”

That’s how stubborn I am," she says.

She threw up eight times the night of her first treatment, and several more times the next morning.

“Drew was great.

I’d never been so debilitated.”

“My own mother left home when I was 9 years old.

I couldn’t stand the thought that I might be starting the cycle again.

If Reese fell down, she’d cry out for ‘Daddy, daddy!’

And it would crush me.”

Initially, Drew didn’t realize how upset his wife was about her newly diminished role.

“I told her, ‘You’re being too hard on yourself.

You’re a good mom, but you’re going through chemotherapy for crying out loud.'”

But Judy couldn’t let herself off the hook.

“The cancer drove a wedge between us,” she says now.

To make matters worse, I had what they call chemo brain.

I was so forgetful, I had to keep detailed logs about the smallest things’Fed Reese dinner.’

Judy is quick to admit that Drew bore the brunt of her frustration.

Why can’t I quit my job and stay at home?

Why can’t we move to a bigger house?

Why can’t we get a dog?"

“There were many times I thought she was being irrational,” Drew acknowledges.

That’s what I did," he says.

“I knew it was the chemo, I knew it wasn’t her.

Judy wrestled with similar fears, not only about herself but also about her marriage.

That’s what it felt like.

I was so critical of Drew, and I hated myself for it.

But I also worried: Is this how Ireallyfeel?

Drew had his own reasons for keeping his feelings to himself.

“My attitude is, it doesn’t help to always think and talk about the cancer.

We love sushi, for example, and we used to eat it a lot when we were dating.

So we ate more sushi during this time.

Judy would always order a dynamite roll.

The dynamite rolls made us both feel better.”

“It wasn’t just that I was exhausted from the chemo,” Judy says.

“I had tissue expanders in my chest to stretch my skin.

Even cuddling hurt.”

For Drew, the biggest change came after Judy had breast reconstruction.

So you learn to live with it.

You find ways to make it fun,” he says.

But as weeks went by with no sex, Judy says she felt increasingly guilty.

“Finally, I thought, I’m depriving this guy!

Drew brushed off that suggestion.

“I told her that was crazy, that marriage is about a lot more than sex.

I couldn’t live with myself if I wasn’t able to be loyal to her.”

“But that’s when the limbo period begins.

What was I supposed to have learned from this?”

That need to question spilled over into every area of her life.

I thought I’d at least gain insight into myself or what my goals should be.”

“I wanted to move to a bigger house or to a smaller house.

To change careers or quit my job and stay home with Reese.

Every day, every half day, I had another thing I wanted to do.”

Even her hair didn’t look the same.

Blonde and straight before the cancer, it grew back a dark, curly brown.

“I was like, Is this it?

Because I look kind of ugly now, and I want to be my old self again.”

But she didn’t feel that way, and the sense of loss created tension between her and Drew.

I felt I deserved that.

“She needed to do everythingnow,whether buying another house or getting a dog,” he remembers.

“Cancer or no cancer, I wanted to make sound decisions.

I’m more cautious that way.

And she didn’t always want to hear it.”

“Drew would say things like ‘Maybe we should wait before moving to a bigger place.’

And I didn’t want to wait!”

“Before, I was never so quick to pounce on Drew or his responses.

Eventually, Drew says, the arguments started wearing on him.

As he puts it: “Her hormones were going wacko.

I couldn’t trust what she’d say half the time.

She’d suggest, ‘Let’s paint this wall green.’

And I’d think, OK, but wait an hour and see if you still feel that way.

Before cancer, issues were issues, not arguments.

We talked things out.”

“I was a wreck,” Judy readily admits.

Finally, in the summer of 2002, the two went for counseling.

“That was a turning point,” Judy says.

Drew also agrees that therapy helped.

“I think it showed Judy that I wasn’t going anywhere.”

She adds, “I sometimes feel in awe of what he did.

Judy has a new career, organizing parenting classes for at-risk families.

“I think she needed a fresh start,” Drew reflects.

Their relationship has also taken a new turn.

The conversation just flowed.”

Drew, ever the optimist, doesn’t seem surprised.

“It’s all part of the new normal.

Life is getting better for everybody.”