By the end of the night, youll know if youre meant to be, the bartender continues.
My date and I laugh politely before returning to our seamless back-and-forth.
After an hour spent cracking jokes, my date suggests we relocatemaybe to a nearby restaurant?
Francesco Carta fotografo/Getty Images
I open my mouth to say yes, but the throbbing pain in my back interrupts me.
Fibromyalgiais a chronichealth conditionimpacting 4 million Americansthats roughly 2 percent of the population.
Every day, I wake up in pain.
On bad days, the pain is so intense I can barely get from my room to the bathroom.
And even on good days, I sometimes feel like going straight to bed after work and staying there.
With my current treatment cocktail, I have more good days than bad and count myself fortunate.
But with guys, I worry that they will think that and more.
Am I worth the extra effort?
Don asks me to pick the place for our meet-upprobably his way of making me feel comfortable.
Little does he know Ive spent the last several years at exactly zero hip bars or restaurants.
Fibromyalgia is a hard word to spell anyway, right?
At first, Im relieved.
But I soon realize Don doesnt ask me questions about it because he doesnt ask me questions about anything.
Its not that he doesnt mind my illnesshes straight-up not that interested in me.
In turn, I learn I really am.
Dating apps are becoming a huge part of my routine.
Chad wants to know everything about fibroand about me, in general.
Not only does he Google fibro, but he also peppers me with questions.
Whats my favorite flower?
Whats my love language?
Can I send him a picture of me in my pajamas?
(Um, no.)
Its too much, too fast, and I feel like he wants to crawl inside my skin.
When I set boundaries and he pushes back, I realize its time to lose his number.
Telling Doug about fibro is the hardest.
His questions take a lot out of me, but hes so genuine I answer honestly.
The hero worship I feel from him worries me, though.
While sweet, it only makes me more aware of how difficult fibro can be.
I dont want to be on a pedestal for how strong I am.
Before long, Doug comes to visit.
The weekend is amazing, but I quickly learn whirlwind get-togethers take a serious toll on my body.
Our different political views make conversations more stressful.
And you know what can exacerbate fibro?
Damien and I are chatting about literature and travel when he tells me he has a speech impediment.
I dont want to be judged for my fibro, so how could I judge him for this?
When we first meet for drinks, Damien talks quite a bitthough I can tell its hard for him.
But when we move from the noisy bar to a quieter spot, he goes silent.
He admits hes embarrassed about his speech.
So I reassure him.
I tell him why I like him and let him know Id like to see him again.
This kind of vulnerability may come easy to some, but it was impossible for me until now.
I quickly learn being the first one to say I like you isnt all that bad.
Its actually pretty liberating.
Damien teaches me something else, too.
It also made me resolute in desiring to change the control I gave fibro when it came to dating.
So we grab drinks, and then more drinks, and then dinner.
For the first time, I dont mention fibroand I dont feel bad about it.
Im no longer worried about being worth the effort.
I feel confident and free, and Ill mention fibro when it comes up.
Oh, and he asks me for a second date less than 24 hours after our first one ends.
Im just like any other girl trying to figure out dating out as I go.
In fact, its not until I decide to take another sabbatical that I meet the guy.
Besides, I know that after this one date, Ill get a vacation.
We meet at a cozy pub and share an incredible meal.
(Musselsmy favorite.)
Everything feels natural, and I tell him about fibro without thinking about it.
I discover what its like to feel good about dating.
I dont obsess over what he thinks about me or fibro.
I just know this is good and solid and realand its just our first date.
The conversation bounces between health, dating experiences, Chicago sports teams, our families, and more.
I dont feel defined by fibro because I can tell he is listening to everything I say.
And when I leave, fibro and his reaction to it are the last things on my mind.
I just like him.
At least this time, Ill have a partner learning with me.
*Names have been changed.
