From halfway down the block, I saw her coming toward methe woman I’ll call the Bitch.
I’d wave and say, “Good morning.”
I don’t expect her to stop and shoot the breeze, but I’d appreciate a polite smile.
After all, even chimps bare their teeth in greeting when they swing past each other on vines.
It’s common freakin' courtesy!
“Why do you care?”
my husband asked, when I vented to him about the incident a few days later.
“It feels so personal,” I explained.
“Like she’s contemptuous of me or something.”
Indeed, every time she rendered me invisible, I thought, What’s wrong with me?
I asked my husband, “What have I ever done to her?”
Steve didn’t answer; he was staring at his computer.
So I tried expressing myself again, only louder.
“It feels personal.”
“I heard you the first time,” he said.
Naturally, I felt slighted by his silence.
After all, I happily listened to all of his complaints about work and life.
The least he could do was grunt in reply.
I took it personally that he didn’t.
Not a great response for thehealthof my relationship, as I learned.
Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship.
“You have to give your partner the leeway to be in the occasional bad mood.
If you expect him to cater to your feelings 24/7, you’re being disrespectful and selfish.”
“Your reactions are a sign of insecurity,” she told me.
“You must worry a great deal about what other people think of you.”
It’s true that the Bitch (and Steve) were only the tip of the iceberg.
I also felt hurt when my teenage daughters were snippy with me.
Then there was the editor whose revision memos had taken on a distinctly nasty tone.
Hell, I even took it personally when some kid kicked the back of my seat at the movies.
Maybe I had a persecution complex.
“Getting a harsh comment makes us feel attacked.
Our instinct is to fight back.”
Yet in the modern world, fighting back isn’t always possible.
The trick is to learn to consciously separate your emotional response (I really do suck!)
from what’s happening.
“Usually, the other person’s behavior has nothing to do with you,” Dr. Orloff says.
“So when you feel victimized, take a breath, then distance yourself from the situation.
Go for a walk around the block.
That way, you cancalm downand get centered.”
Distracting yourself makes it easier to disengage emotionally.
Like the story I was spinning about Steve (He’s ignoring me!)?
“Your husband would do you a service by saying, ‘It’s not you.
I had a crappy day,'” Greer says.
But what of my need to vent about the Bitchor my husband, for that matter?
“I’m tired and in my pj’s.”
“I had a friend who canceled on me several times,” Dr. Orloff says.
“Eventually, I told her, in a neutral tone, ‘Your canceling makes me feel bad.
If you don’t stop, I’d rather we not make plans.’
Yet what about those times when a cancellation or a mean memo from an editor was about me?
“Otherwise, what someone thinks of you is not your business.
“If you change your perspective, you might change your reactions,” Kreamer advises.
In other words, I could choose to brush off the cancellations and snubs.
“Exactly,” Kreamer says.
“And the more you flex that resiliency muscle, the stronger it will be.”
Clearly, my resiliency muscle was flabby and weak.
I resolved to build it up.
I got my chance a few days later, when I saw the Bitch heading my way.
Were my eyes playing tricks on me?
No, she was, in fact, beaming.
But, alas, not at me.
She replied in kind.
The shift from warm to frosty was so fast, so complete, that even I was impressed.
On such a beautiful day, she puts across bitchery like a professional.
Yet instead of letting myself feel judged, this time, I viewed her snobbery as so her problem.
I guess we all do what we have to do to feel better about ourselves.
Apparently, ignoring plebes like me made her feelgreat.But it had nothing to do with me.
Over the next few weeks, I practiced emotional detachment at will.
He laughed and apologized.
Whenever I flexed my new “I’m not taking it personally” muscle, I felt inner strength.
To those I might have offended, I apologize.
I had a bad day.
My horrible behavior was not about you.
yo don’t take it personally.
Photo Credit: Andrea Varani
