Like many single thirtysomethings, Elly Trickett had been through her share of dead-end relationships.
“I figured we’d hang out and have fun, nothing more,” Trickett says.
Unexpectedly, sparks flew.
“The two of us fell madly in love almost immediately.”
After 18 months of phone calls and visits, David moved to New York.
“We were so happy to be in the same place,” Trickett says.
“Every day felt like a gift knowing he was close by.
I figured this was it.
We’d be together for the rest of our lives.”
What if this was related?
Doctors confirmed that David’s kidney had indeed failed and said he needed immediate dialysis.
“It was surreal,” Trickett says.
They reconfigured their schedules to accommodate David’s new three-day-a-week dialysis regimen.
The weekend before the trip, David flew to Houston to visit his family.
On Sunday, Trickett got a call from his mother: He had collapsed and was in the hospital.
A half hour later, his sister called, sobbing.
“I went cold and kept screaming, ‘No!'”
We can fix this, too.
My mind simply rejected the idea that he was dead."
David was in that star, smiling and reaching out to me," she says.
Even so, the days and weeks that followed were unbearable.
I lost 14 pounds," Trickett says.
“It turned out to be a blessing because it kept me busy,” she says.
Still, there were times she felt as if a vital part of her had been ripped away.
“The person I was supposed to spend my life with was suddenly gone.
To say I felt empty doesn’t even begin to describe it.
There was not nothing left; there was less than nothing.”
“There’s no orderly progression of Kubler-Ross’s hypothetical phases,” Prigerson confirms.
Moreover, grief isn’t something people simply recover from, like the flu.
“Lots of people talk about closure, but that’s a fantasy.
Death ends a life, but it doesn’t end the relationship.”
“My life had been about Noah, feeding and bathing him, taking him to playgroups.
It’s too scary.”
“A few months after you lose a child, people start encouraging you to move on.
(Compassionatefriends.orgoffers nationwide chapters to help parents recovering from the loss of a child.)
“So I’ll pull out old photo albums or David’s letters and cry myself insane.
Giving myself the opportunity to lose it is very healing.
Afterward, I feel like I can get on with things again.”
Memory, Attig confirms, is the place the relationship resides and can thrive.
“At first, these may seem too painful to think about.
She and her husband talk about their son often and even bake a cake for his birthday every year.
“Most people would think that’s going overboard,” she says.
Facing the past doesn’t feel comfortable for everyone.
“I pushed the grief deep inside,” she says.
But in the intervening years, Voelker realized that her grief was seeping to the surface in other ways.
“I’d get into screaming matches with my mother.”
“With suicide, there are so many elementsguilt, anger, the stigma,” she says.
“You say ‘cancer,’ and people at least get it.
You say ‘suicide,’ and they draw in their breath; they’re more shocked than sympathetic.
I quickly learned from experience how tough it is to talk about, so I stopped doing it.”
Voelker’s reaction may be common among certain types of mourners.
“Sudden, violent or traumatic deaths are frightening for everyone.
Similarly, many people console themselves by actively transforming a death into something larger.
“I wanted Lucas’s life to have some greater meaning,” she says.
“At first, it seems impossible that you’ll ever feel anything but pain.
But people can and do grow positively through the experience.”
Elly Trickett says her inner strength and resilience have surprised her.
And in another symbolic gesture, she bought herself an opal ring, David’s birthstone.
The inscription on the simple gold band readsMy darling Texan: We both loved more.
As it turns out, a few months after David died, Trickett met someone online.
They started seeing each other on weekends, and to her utter astonishment, she fell in love.
“Sean is an amazing, compassionate man,” she says.
“He wanted to be with me even though he knew I was still in love with David.
Instead of trying to take my mind off the grief, he was simply there for me.”
Within a year, the couple moved in together; in November 2006, the two were married.
When I lost David, I thought my life was over.
Now, I have so much to look forward to.”
Photo Credit: Chris Eckert
