After Ihooked upwith someone, I snuck out of bed and into the darkness of my balcony, alone.
Hoping for an answer, I texted:Am I still avirginif I had sex with a girl?
My friend asked what I thought, but I really didnt know.
Courtesy of Rachel Charlene Lewis
The woman Id slept with defined sex as penetration, so by her definition, we hadnt had sex.
She, as the older, long-time queer in the hookup, had the upper hand.
I didnt think it was up to me.
Courtesy of Rachel Charlene Lewis
Could it be sex if only half of the people involved thought it was?
It was a panic I never expected to feel.
I was super open-minded.
Courtesy of Rachel Charlene Lewis
I was super feminist.
I should have been beyond thrilled and empowered by the fact that Id had a positive sexual encounter.
Virginity was just the newest thing to freak out about.
I stood in the dark alone and tried to figure out, once again, how to define myself.
There is very little language in determining how virginity is lost in non-heterosexual populations.
Given the relatively large population of non-heterosexual populations, the validity of virginity is poor.
I didn’t come out as queer until I was 25, they tell SELF.
I felt vulnerable because of the lack of understanding around queer sexuality.
Alaina Leary, 24, expressed similar frustrations the first time they had sex.
My first sex partner and I had a lot of conversations around sex and sexuality, Leary tells SELF.
We were essentially figuring it out on our own.
Health class, for me, never taught me much about LGBTQ sex.
So this can complicate the question of when one lost their virginity, if ever.
Apparently, I wasnt alone in feeling this way.
We had straight friends who were having sex and doing sexual things in very defined ways, Leary says.
So what does that mean for those of us who will only ever engage in foreplay?
This, Dr. Mark says, can make women feel defined by virginity status.
But I also encourage the rejection of virginity for women who feel like it doesnt fit for them.
*Some names have been changed.
