“Half of being supportive is simply listening,” says Union, 33.
“You learn more when you zip it.”
Union and Martinez have been part of the same tight circle since they were teenagers in Northern California.
(She is in this month’sRunning With Scissors.)
Martinez moved to New York City and eventually became East Coast regional merchandiser for Urban Outfitters.
But the two kept in touch by phone and saw each other when they could.
In July 2005, Martinez felt a lump in her left breast.
“I thought, This feels weird.
But I wasn’t alarmed about it at the time,” Martinez says.
“It really never occurred to me that I could be sick.”
“You self-diagnoseit’s just a muscle pull or whatever.
As the weeks passed, Martinez grew more concerned but immersed herself in her hectic work life.
Ultimately it was six months before she got a firm diagnosis: advanced breast cancer.
“I said, ‘Stage IV?
Out of how many?’
And he said ‘IV.'”
When she heard about Martinez’s illness, Union instinctively went into fix-it mode.
“I said, ‘So what are we doing about it?'”
“I was, like, let me get you into counseling.
Let me figure out worker’s comp.”
She looked into support groups and information networks that Martinez might find helpful.
“I thought, OK, so now you look like a cancer patient,” Union says.
I’m calling Tyra!
I’m calling Beyonce!'”
An upbeat attitude can be hard to maintain.When someone you love gets breast cancer, you are also affected.
“You’re disappointed for selfish reasons, like, Why would you do this to me?
What am I supposed to do without you?
But, of course, it’s not about you.”
Union tried to be responsive to her friend’s changing needs.
Sometimes Martinez wanted to be alone or to sit quietly with Union.
Other times she needed girl talk.
Still other times practical support was the most helpful.
“You are there to listen,” Union says.
“have a go at watch your friend’s reactions, and be perceptive.”
She recommends curbing the instinct to fill uncomfortable conversational voids.
When in doubt, just shush."
Martinez agrees and adds, “What is important is to not stop reaching out.
It’s hard to ask for help, because you want to pretend like it’s not happening.
But you really do need help.”
As Martinez fought her cancer, Union went into a money- and awareness-raising frenzy.
“Crazily enough, people listen to celebrities,” Union says with a shrug.
It’s, like, ‘Who the hell cares?
But let me tell you something that can store your life.'"
“I can say to my rich friends, ‘Can you fork over that Balenciaga bag?'”
“People want to be involved.”
“When the man who raped me came into the store, my heart said run.
But I was raised to be polite and not make others uncomfortable.
Stop pooh-poohing away your issues!
We are given instincts for a reason.
“If you feel something’s amiss, go to the doctor.
Get a couple of opinions.
Ignorance is not blissit only makes it worse later.”
Martinez’s treatments appear to be workingwhich has left the two friends cautiously optimistic.
Martinez is working and has invested in a new home, which she’s looking forward to enjoying.
“The feeling that something was wrong was there the entire time,” Martinez says.
“Eventually I couldn’t mask my gut.”
Adds Union, “If you think something’s not right, don’t wait.
Figure it out and live in that reality, whatever it is.
You will feel so much better knowing what that truth is.”
