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What is attachment theory?
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According to Dr. Hazan and Dr. Shaver, there are fouradult attachment styles.
Each one is most commonly associated with a certain throw in of relationship with caregivers in childhood.
There are a lot of nuances involved with attachment styles, from how they form to how they manifest.
Whatever your attachment style, healthy and safe relationshipsarepossible.
Sure, secure attachment might make it a little easier to thrive in connection with others.
But anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachers arent doomed.
The key is in being aware of how your attachment shows upand how it interacts with a potential partners.
Whats the deal with avoidant attachers, though?
That meant developing the belief that other people are generally not to be trusted to fulfill my needs.
I grew into someone who highly values independence and self-controland who struggles to reach out when I need support.
I can take care of it myself became my philosophy.
Vulnerability is hard for me (likereallyhardsometimes it even brings up a visceral feeling of disgust).
It can take a long time for me to trust and take my walls down.
I require more time and space alone to process and regulate my emotions than other people might.
And Im also quick to interpret feedback as criticism.
To be clear, moving past this should ideally be mostlyourwork.
And dont underestimate the power of safe relationships.
People can attune their attachment systems to the feeling of safety by havinghealing relationships, Chen explains.
Heres what to know about how avoidants show upand how to show up for us.
As with anything else related to human feelings and behavior, avoidant attachers arent all the same.
This lack of sensitivity that we received as children conditioned our brains to see vulnerability as weaknesson asurvivallevel.
Everything that came afterward in life developed on top of this foundation.
Were not trying to be difficult in our independence.
Our brains just arent trained in how to do anything else.
We just need to feel like our independence is intact before we can let our walls down and connect.
We feela lot.Avoidantly attached adults are feeling a lot more than were letting on.
When we feel emotionally distressed, instead of reaching outward, we tend to delve inward.
If were shutting down, its likely a sign that were so flooded with emotion that we feel overwhelmed.
Big emotions can be overwhelming and hard to sort into words, Iris says.
And I tend to remain quiet about them for that reason.
We may need to pause conversations when we feel dysregulated and come back to them later.
Its our responsibility to communicate thatand make good on the promise to return to the discussion.
Its helpful, though, if you dont push us to talk when were activated.
But, of course, vulnerability is a key part of intimacy.
On our end, we need to work on unlearning vulnerability as scary.
Allowing us time and space alone can help build the trust that we need to connect.
Its worth repeating: In the end, us avoidant people are responsible for our own growth.
You dont have to beat yourself up for it.
*Name has been changed.
