In 2008 Anne Pinkerton, 46, learned her big brother died during a rock-climbing accident.
She was overwhelmed by the suddenness of it all.
It seemed unreal for a long time, says Pinkerton, who regularlywrites about grief.
Getty / Bobboz
It wasnt difficult to imagine that he was just away on a trip, she says.
This isolation was a big part of what took me back to counseling, Pinkerton says.
I had thoughts like, Is there something wrong with me?
Am I dealing with this inappropriately?
Because [people were] acting like this shouldn’t be a big deal.
And it was the biggest thing that ever happened to me.
As awful as it feels, grief is a natural human response to losing someone close to you.
Grief isnt linear, but it should soften with time.
Grief doesnt really go away,M.
Katherine Shear, M.D., director of the Center for Complicated Grief at Columbia University, tells SELF.
What softens grief is making progress in adapting to the loss, Dr. Shear says.
And adapting to all the changes that come along with the loss of someone close.
Complicated grief happens when these emotions dont subside as expected with time.
A lot is still unknown about this condition.
For starters, medical professionals dont have a clear consensus on exactly when grief becomes complicated, theMayo Clinicsays.
TheICDlists symptoms such as feeling youve lost a part of yourself and an inability to feel happy.
(Theres a lot of symptom overlap between the two lists of diagnostic criteria.)
A lot of these symptoms are actually normal early in the grieving process.
Excessive avoidance is another example.
There arent firm numbers for how many people are impacted by complicated grief.
No one knows why a minority of people develop complicated grief while others dont, Dr. Shear says.
Of course its possible to have both complicated grief and depression too.
Consider seeking mental health support if your grief feels all-consuming.
Pinkerton says that she was comfortable getting a therapist after her brothers death because shed been intherapybefore.
Instead of focusing solely on the timeline, venture to examine the intensity of your grief.
It doesnt matter how long its been.
If your grief feels utterly overwhelming, thats reason enough to reach out.
You dont need to think you might have complicated grief to get to deserve help.
I don’t think it’s ever too soon to see a provider, Goldman says.
Worst-case scenario, a therapist says, This is a completely normal reaction.
I would also feel sad.
I would also cry.
And that is therapeutic and powerful for someone to hear.
The important thing to note here is that adjustment disorders are typically short-term reactions to stressful life events.
