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How did I get here?
Courtesy of the author
(Did I mention I wasand still amafraid of heights?)
Remember to bring your arms down!
Do you want me to count?
The author working on an elbow bridge.
I nodded, adrenaline coursing through my veins, anxiety the furthest thing from my mind.
I arched my back.
I clung to the fabric in each hand.
Courtesy of the author
My heart was pounding, but I didnt panic.
Instead, I cheered too.
Ive dealt with anxiety for as long as I can remember.
The author practicing a split in sling.
I had crying fits in college when I got a B on an assignment.
I cant do confined spaces.
I know Im about to have a bad spell when I start losing sleep.
Once I got an official anxiety diagnosis, I set out to find ways to make myself feel better.
Traditional anxiety management tools were part of thatworking with a mental health professional, meds, things like that.
But putting my mind and body through circus tricks was the outlet I never knew I needed.
One night in 2015, I followed a good friend to a warehouse building on Chicagos West Side.
The warehouses third floor, just above a bread factory, houseda circus training facilitywith drop-in classes.
I somewhat anticipated that first class to be like an advanced yoga session.
After an hour and a half of unconventional stretching and flexibility, I had trouble walking for three days.
I wasnt a stranger to intense physical activity; Id studied dance since age 4.
But after that class, I felt something beyond just soreness.
I started to chase that emotional high.
Im a fairly flexible human and still, none of this felt physically easy.
But for 90 minutes I could focus only on my body.
Ihadto, or I could get hurt.
Though I got frustrateda lotI never cried.
Then I started aerial training, where even the smallest movement is incredibly difficult.
When my coach first suggested I try aerial, I laughed in her face.
But at least I committed and was all in, right?
It ended up being completely worth it, despite my nerves.
These more challenging endeavors gradually improved my shoulder and overall body strength.
I can open any jar with the greatest of ease.
(Watch a video of my sling workhere.)
If I overthink, I can jerk out of a trick and gravely injure myself.
And, ultimately, nailing a trick, or even just (gasp!
)having fun, is the most freeing feeling.
Of course, circus training isnt some cure-all.
Ive been in therapy.
I practice deep breathing and other forms of self-care.
Ill always have to live with my anxiety disorder.
And, yes, it does still persist through my training, often at unexpected moments.
Its helped bring out characteristics within me that my anxiety has long buried or overpowered.
