What kind of licensed professional would tell me to have a little ice cream at every meal?
She just called pizza the perfect food because it hits a lot of food groups.
Um, does sheknowhow many calories are in a slice?
Courtesy of Jocelyn Runice
By this time I was surviving on a small baggie of Popchips a day.
In my mind, Popchips were good for some inexplicable reason, and every other food was bad.
But I didnt have aneating disorderat least I didnt think I did.
I still have this dress, but when I wear it now I have to fight the zipper a little. Also note the bracelet; this picture was taken shortly after getting back from the hospital.
According to my late-night googling, my restrictive eating wasnt a problem.
Without a label, I felt as if my struggles were invalid, not real enough to solve.
So I didnt take a stab at solve them.
College was especially hard because the most popular way to socialize was to grab brunch or get dinner after class.
Dont worry, they know were coming.
I remember sitting around our kitchen table, trying to explain how dissatisfied I was with myself.
I didnt know how to explain a problem I thought didnt exist.
At camp that summer, the camp leaders deemed me a health risk and took me to the hospital.
Because of my BMI, the hospital staff werent sure what to put on my admittance bracelet.
All the while I thought,Why arent you off attending to people who are actually sick?
That girl has a broken arm!
Go help her!!!
Also note the bracelet; this picture was taken shortly after getting back from the hospital.
It seemed like no one really knew what to do with me.
My parents got me a therapist and a dietitian.
I wondered why everyone was making such a fuss about a problem I didnt have.
(We didnt go back to him for any follow-up visits.)
I wasweighed multiple times and told my BMI, and how it didnt fall into theanorexiacategory in the DSM.
In the meantime I just wanted to yell,I know!
I dont have a problem!
Im not sick enough to warrant help.
But I was sick.
(Not kidding, a real thought I had.)
Id stop eating for a few days because I could feel a little stomach roll when I sat down.
Most of the time I did all of these things unnoticed by friends and family.
This space where youre not sick enough, butsomekind of sick.
I wanted someone to tell me definitively what was wrong with my mind.
Someone to tell me I deserved help, because I couldnt decide that for myself.
So I read blogs, stories, articles.
I came to the revelation that not qualifying for a disorder didnt mean I was ordered.
I came to understand that no label doesnotmean no problem.
But I still struggle with the thought that Im not sick enough.
The obsessive thoughts still cycle constantly in my mind (Youre too fat!
Did you really just eat that?
Why cant you lose the weight?
Should I weigh myself again?
), but Ive slowly learned through experience that its OK to reach out when thesethoughts become overwhelming.
People want to talk and help you, regardless of what label you are or arent carrying around.
If you think you have any kind of disordered eating, reach out!
- You deserve to be happy, healthy, and confident.
Watch: What Everyone Gets Wrong About Eating Disorders
