I was struggling withanorexiaand it had taken me a while to admit that.
My senior year of college started out fine.
I was majoring in elementary education, studying to become a teacher.
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I should have been thrilled.
Having a classroom of my own was what I had spent four years looking forward to.
But I didnt feel that way, and I didnt know why.
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The semester was rough.
My school district was an hours drive away.
to get to get to school on time I had to leave my house by 5:30 A.M.
Me with my family on Long Island in 1996. (Yes, there’s a photo of me and my brother in the bath on my dad’s shirt. No, we do not bathe together anymore.)
I stayed at work until 5 P.M. preparing lesson plans.
I started looking in the mirror to give myself ~pep talks~ becauseya knowpositive affirmations.
But at some point my mirror-mediated pep talks turned into body scans.
Courtesy of Author
I found myself lifting my shirt to see the size of my stomach.
I had become fixated on my body without even realizing it.
At first,working outand spending more time with my friends made me feel better about myself.
My family was incredibly supportive when I made the decision to take time off of school to focus on my health. They were also right by my side celebrating my graduation as I received my diploma.
I didnt notice that my body was slowly disappearing.
My friends and family voiced their concerns for my health, but I totally dismissed everything they said.
I thought I was doing good by myself.
I thought I was in control.
I now know I was in complete denial.
Everyone could see it but me and, so, I began to isolate.
I rejected all ideas that there could be a larger issue worth addressing.
I passed my stress off as anything else, picking plausible explanations for my symptoms (hormone imbalance!)
from searches on WebMD.
Eventually I realized that I needed to talk to someone.
Id find reasons tobreak upwith mytherapistsin the past because I never appreciated having to face my emotions.
But I knew it was necessary.
With my pop in-A personality and graduation quickly approaching, this realization threw me into a tailspin.
What was I going to do with my life now?
But it became an obsession that took control over me.
My doctor encouraged me to address mydisordered eatingbehaviors and pushed me to pursue recovery.
Forget juice cleansesmy struggle was real.
Without my regular medications, my thoughts were scrambled.
And on top of that, it was making me severelyconstipated, which was making mebloatedAF.
Id wake up each day fixated on the idea that I had not gone to the bathroom.
From there, Id find the nearest mirror and lift my shirt up, checking my reflection.
Id body scan to confirm or deny possibleweight gain from the day before.
I was physically exhausted.
Before rehab, I wouldstep on a scaleanywhere from three to seven times a day.
My first week in treatment, every morning started the same.
Id ask if I could weigh myself.
The answer was never going to change, and yet I still kept asking.
When I didnt hear the reply I wanted I would fly into full blown hysterics.
Imagine a grown adult having a temper tantrum over a scalethis was my reality.
Eventually, I stopped asking the question.
This was my first real step in accepting my treatment.
My second week into treatment I noticed a person following me around.
I had gained what was referred to as a shadow.
My shadow was assigned to follow me around to check that I was making healthy choices.
If I would skip meals she would report back to my doctors.
I felt smothered, so I agreed to meet with the nutritionist to talk about adoptinghealthy eating habits.
However, with time I grew to value and appreciate my relationship with the nutritionist.
In addition to working with a nutritionist, I attended five to seven therapy sessions a day.
Every session was different.
Some involved physical activity such as yoga ormeditation, while others were group sessions.
My first group therapy session felt like I was experiencing life at a rate of several WTFs per minute.
Everyone spoke about their feelings and what led them to rehab.
Then, at the conclusion of the meeting we stood in a circle and joined hands.
Was this my initiation!?
But with time, the prayer began to resonate.
I returned to the University of Arizona and graduated two months later, on time.
And thats what Im still doing today.
After graduation I came back to New York City and started working a full time job right away.
Four years have flown by and Ive definitely had both good and bad days.
Do I always eat three meals a day?
Do I notice right away if I have subconsciously skipped a meal?
Understanding this took time.
Recovery is not linear, and it doesnt just end.
Watch: What Everyone Gets Wrong About Eating Disorders
