Ill just have three, that will be it, I told myself.
Everyone else was at the beach, and I had stayed back to sneak a treat.
Not even 10 minutes later, I had eaten 12 cookies.
Getty / Daniel Grizelj
Guilt-ridden and angry at my weakness, I berated myself for once again losing control.
It was me versus food, and food was almost always winning.
It never worked for long, though, before I broke and binged on everything in sight.
What was wrong with me that I couldnt be carefree about eating and they could?
I spent so much time fighting my cravings while they just…well…ate.
Just eat and dont think so hard about it, my boyfriend at the time told me.
I looked at him like he had three heads.
Impossible, I thought.
For me, the need for control came from fearfear that Id overeat, fear that Id gain weight.
But the tighter I held on, the more I felt the need to let go.
And that just started another cycle of bingeing followed by restricting followed by bingeing.
Really, food had become my enemy.
I wish I could tell you that reframing my relationship to eating was easy, but it wasnt.
It was a process that lasted for a few years and I eventually did it.
I sought help from my medical doctor and from a dietitian.
There are so many more mental health resources today than there were back then.
I felt less miserable.
It was no longer feast or famine in my mind.
I felt a whole lot better physically, and for the first time in years I felt emotionally free.
But eventually my new habits stuck.
Do I still eat past the point of fullness sometimes?
Talking to a licensed therapist or registered dietitian (or both!)
who has experience helping people sort out their relationship with food can make a huge difference.
It did for me and it does for my patients.
As I said, this took time and introspection and work.
Changing your relationship with food takes time, and is for many people a lifelong commitment.
Youre not alonetrust me.
