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There probably arent manyphysicianswho can say that a near-death experience made them better at their jobs.
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But critical care doctorRana Awdish, M.D., is one of them.
What followed was harrowing: Her organs began to fail, she had a stroke, and she miscarried.
Her life was literally in her colleagues and mentors hands.
Life on the job was relatively stable.
Then thenew coronavirusarrived in Michigan, where Dr. Awdish practices at Henry Ford Hospital in Detroit.
COVID-19 has hit Michigan hard; few states have seen more deaths.
Anyone thrust into the middle of this crisis has had to adjust.
But as Dr. Awdish is realizing, her near-death experience has prepared her for this adjustment in unexpected ways.
SELF: How has your experience on the front lines been for you emotionally?
Then we started getting cases, and it became concrete.
It also became easier; it was work we knew how to do.
Now its kind of reached a steady state where its manageable.
We understand how to treat our coronavirus patients, and the grief is a little bit less acute.
Its hard to be scared and brave at the same time.
Having faced death before, did you react any differently to potentially getting sick?
I learned to live around that low hum of static.
It feels like everyones having a mini experience ofwhat many people with chronic illnesses have lived with.
Its a leveling of sorts.
How did you explain the coronavirus to your 9-year-old son?
I make a run at double-check he sees me doing the things that will keep him safe.
It was so sad that he viewed me as a threat.
Can you describe a particular situation at work that really got to you?
When I was caring for a patient Ive known for years who came into the hospital with COVID-19 symptoms.
She needed to be placed on mechanical ventilation.
I had this moment where I thought, All of my patients are going to die.
Every patient who I care about is going to die.
Amazingly, she recovered and left the hospital doing well.
What has changed about the ICU patient experience during COVID-19?
They were coming to us alreadyintubated, so they couldnt talk.
They werent bringing in their photos or quilts or little artifacts from home that tell you something about them.
Nurses and doctors displayed printed pictures of themselves on their PPE.
We have patients whose partners write them love letters every day, and the nurses read them aloud.
We had to figure out how to reinsert humanity because there were so many barriers.
What dont people know about surviving a stay in the ICU?
Healing does not happen in the hospital.
Treatment happens in the hospital.
All of the healing happens when you leave.
You lose so much muscle mass in the hospital.
You lose independence, and for me, even my sense of identity.
I also worry a lot aboutpost-traumatic stress disorder(PTSD).
For years after my experience, I had nightmares where I was drowning.
It is almost incalculable, the losses and the process of rebuilding yourself.
It really happens on the other side of the hospitalization.
Everyone around me was saying, Yay!
Youre better, and I was feeling like, No!
Not even a little!
How have you been coping with the pandemic?
Do you use any coping mechanisms you developed after your near-death experience?
There is a pandemic!
You cant do yoga!
I put everything in a box and kept going.
The way I was caring for myself in those first few weeks was not sustainable.
Ive brought back in poetry, reading, painting, and even yoga.
The mindfulness exercises I do are mostly very simple ones with my son.
What is your hope for the outcome of this crisis?
That would be such a wasted opportunity.
This conversation has been edited and condensed for clarity.
