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Growing up, I understoodsexto be one thing and one thing only.
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How would it go down?
I realized I was queer when I was 20, in college, and a self-proclaimed straight girl.
Maybe I wasnt as straight as I thought.
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Maybe my life partner wouldnt be a guy.
And maybe my first time having sex wouldnt be with a guy, either.
I took to the internet, and toporn, and to shows likeThe L Word.
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But if anything, I just ended up more confused.
The endless options should’ve felt freeing, but instead, I felt even more lost.
Its not like straight people only have sex one way.
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Actually having sex didnt fix the problem, either.
Sleeping with women always left me with the feeling that I was doing something wrongnot morally, but literally.
I felt like there was something they understood that I didnt.
Id look at them, baffled and completely unsure of my own definition.
Was I even supposed to have a definition of my own?
I ended up feeling apprehensive about being open about what I wanted sexually.
I felt like a disempowered wimp instead of the empowered badass Id always imagined myself becoming.
I wanted the confidence Id had as a straight teenager in my ability to give and receive pleasure.
I read hundreds of reviews.
And then I found a coupon code and ordered it straight from Babeland.
For me, the Magic Wand wasnt about masturbation.
Instead, it became a symbol of what sex could be: anything I wanted it to be.
What better way to flip sex on its head than by adding a giant back massager to the mix?
It wasnt about anyone but myself.
The Magic Wand made me feel powerful.
Itwasnt about penetration, unless I wanted it to be.
It wasnt about another person, unless I wanted it to be.
It wasnt even aboutorgasm, or finishing, or winning at sex.
Plus, bringing the wand into the sexual equation required talking.
Cool, we’ll grab the wand.
Did I want toget myself offand not be touched at all?
And, finally, I felt a little bit freer.
At the end of the day, my queerness is about more than sex.
Its about the battles I choose to fight and the family I choose to build.
Its about power and refusing to give it up.
Its about being brave enough to decide for myself how Ill exist over the course of my life.
And how I do and don’t have sex is, for me, a meaningful part of it.
To be honest, I still freak out about sex.
But now I know that sexincluding queer sexisnt any one thing.
For some people, it looks like PIV (penis-in-vagina) sex.
For others, it looks like a basket full oftoysproudly on display on the dresser.
For others, its something some wouldnt recognize as sex at all.
Finally, the lack of a clear answer is freeing, not suffocating.
It means sex can be exactly what we need it to be.
For me, sometimes sex looks like a giant, completely un-sexy, buzzing back massager.
And Im OK with that.
