After a stressful year whenCOVID-19disrupted our lives, nerves are understandably frayed.
You might have some relationshipswith relatives, friends, partners, and colleaguesthat need healing andreconciliation.
This is where figuring out how to apologize comes in handy.
Andrea Pippins/Adobe Stock
So weve asked Dr. Howes and other experts for a few tips to keep in mind when youre apologizing.
Listen closely before rushing to apologize.
Sometimes quick apologies make sense.
But in more complicated matters, rushing toward an apology can be insincere.
So what should you do instead?
First, calmly ask whats going on to understand how the other person feels, Dr. Howes tells SELF.
Then shut up and listen, even if its uncomfortable.
With this insight, you might make your apology more specific, heartfelt, and effective.
you could affirm what youve heard from the other person and ask clarifying questions as necessary.
The attentiveness also helps you keep the same mistake from happening again.
Prepare your apology in advance when possible.
Not everyone communicates the same way.
If its in person, write down your apology first to organize your thoughts and get it right.
While forgiveness isnt guaranteed, this small step can help smooth things over.
Be specific and detailed in your apology.
The declaration that youre sorrowful isn’t always enough.
I was working overtime, but that doesnt excuse anything.
You are important to me, and I understand how my actions caused you pain.
In the future, Ill shoot you a text ASAP to let you know when Im free to call.
Its also okay if you cant quite explain why the transgression happened.
If you have no idea why you screwed up, admit it, Dr. Thakkar says.
Coming clean can helprestore closeness.
Try not to turn your apology into a debate.
Doubting someones hurt means youre not taking responsibility for what you did.
Our impulse is to defend ourselves with conditional limited contrition and disclaimers, Dr. Thakkar explains.
Dont be ambivalent.Be declarative.
Its also tempting to turn an apology into a chance torehash old grievances.
Its important to remember that an apology isnt a debate.
Remember that actions speak louder than (apologetic) words.
Despite eloquent verbal regrets, action might heal a rift better.
So try finding a solution to address any grievances.
An old friend felt hurt when I blew off reading her memoir-in-progress.
Susie, Id love to, she responded.
Offer validation or a solution to compensate for the suffering you caused.
Be patient after you apologize.
Healing a relationship may require rejections and repeated attempts.
In Judaism theres a teaching that dictates you should offer sincere remorse three times.
The lesson is that you should do your best to make amends even when complete reconciliation isnt guaranteed.
Remember that its never too late to seek forgiveness.
Instead, discuss your problem with a relative, therapist, mentor, or religious leader.
They might be able to help you come to terms with not having forgiveness.
In his hospice work, Rabbi Krakoff asks relatives to tell their kin, You are forgiven.
He explains that a daughter estranged from her father found comfort in this deathbed prayer.
It gave her a sense of closure, Rabbi Krakoff explained.
It allowed her to forgive him last-minute, mourn, and handlegriefbetter.
