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Were constantlydistracted by pings and dingsfrom our devices, for one thing.
Rachael Presky/Adobe Stock
(Think when someone you love wants to vent, get support, or simply share their perspective.)
But what does that actually look like?
Ask what they need from the conversation.
Often, its simplest to justask what they need.
Are you venting or am I helping?
Thats not the only way to suss out how to best support them.
it’s possible for you to also ask for other preferences or more context.
Do they welcome swapping similar experiences or would they rather keep the focus on them?
Is this a feelsy conversation or a practical one?
By the way, you dont have to square all of this away at the top of the conversation.
Checking in as it comes up works, too, and can feel more natural.
or Dang, that sounds frustrating.
Are you looking for advice here or nah?
Mirror their words back to them.
You might have heard this strategy referred to as reflective listening, a big part of active listening.
Ugh, its so tough when something you were pumped about turns out differently than you expected.
Instead, ask for clarification.
As for how….
3.
Ask simple, open-ended questions.
Maintaining a sense of curiosity is key, Kelaher says.
It can help you zero in on whats important to the other personand keep you from jumping to conclusions.
Kelaher and Houston both recommend some variation of: Tell me more.
Whatever helps them expand on what theyre sayingand increases your own comprehension.
Dont rehearse your replies while theyre talking.
But if youre busy formulating your own response, you cant actually pay attention to what theyre saying.
And realistically, the other person will likely pick up on cues that your mind is elsewhere.
Speaking of….
5.
Watch your body language and eye contact.
So much of communication is nonverbal, according to Kelaher.
Are you looking in their eyes?
What is your body posture like?
Are you facing one another?
That doesnt mean youre not capable of providing a warm empathic presence in your own way.
Check your judgments and assumptions.
Most of us dont show up to conversations planning to criticize the other person or jump to conclusions.
But because were human, we do it anyway.
If you find judgy thoughts creeping up in the moment, she suggests some good olgrounding.
Being a good listener doesnt mean signing up for an all-access pass to everyvent session!
Cut down on distractions.
For one, it helps you adhere to the best practices weve already discussed.
Distracted listening = passive listening, Houston says.
