A recent series of tragic deaths has underscored how traumatic events can claim lives years after the fact.
In the wake of these incomprehensible losses, its clearer than ever that trauma can lead to years-long suffering.
I can see youre in an incredible amount of pain.
Zackary Drucker/The Gender Spectrum Collection
It might feel like youre saying something obvious, but this affirmation can be reassuring.
She appreciated when people confirmed that it really was a devastating event.
This typically comes out of wanting to fix the situation, Dr. Nelson says.
But you cant fix someonestrauma, especially not by talking nonstop.
Its better to be present as they work through their feelings.
Its really hard to mess up if youre just intent on listening, Dr. Nelson says.
She didn’t tell me, Dont cry, or offer me advice.
She just listened and was present, Manya recalls.
Admit that you dont understand.
Unless youve been through a very similar trauma, youdontget it.
What matters most is that youll be there anyway.
This kind of statement acknowledges the realitythat you dont understandwhile reinforcing your willingness to be there.
Its a piece of security that can really help them feel safe, Marshall Woods says.
Manya remembers how helpful it was when a friend expressed this.
I didnt know what I needed either.
But I knew she was there to listen, and that started a really great conversation.
Accept if they dont want to talk.
Discussing trauma with someone who doesnt understand can be draining.
Part of being agood support systemis being there for them regardless of how much they will or wont share.
Let the person you love know that youre still continuing to think of them by checking in accordingly.
Manyas family members called her every day for longer than she expected after the attack.
The conversations werent long, but the constant reminder of their presence and concern was comforting.
It meant a lot to me just to get those calls, she says.
Offer to help limit news coverage.
This helps some people feel safer throughout the recovery process, Marshall Woods says.
Looking for a silver lining can be great in many situations.
The aftermath of a trauma usually isnt one of them.
When someone is feeling this pain, you oughta meet them there, Marshall Woods says.
You want them to feel better now, but that is not the reality of where they are.
What you mean as an expression of hope (Things will get better!)
can come off as a dismissal of their suffering and make them feel misunderstood.
Help them find mental health support.
Friends and family of survivors can even experience secondary trauma, according toSAMHSA.
Its OK to be mindful of your limits and communicate those needs in a compassionate way.
I would love to know you’re with somebody who really knows what theyre doing.
Can we hit pause and work on finding you that help?
Be prepared for emotions to be intense and fluctuating, Dr. Nelson says.
It can be a roller coaster, says Manya.
But people should understand its normal to feel this way and that they can heal.
