Im the editor in chief of SELF and the host of our wellness advice podcast,Checking In.
In this weeks episode, were talking abouthow to feel less lonely after the death of a loved one.
She wants to know how to feel less lonely.
Chelsea Victoria/Adobe Stock
It hasn’t really gotten easier, which I was hoping it would, Deanne tells us.
I’ve tried a little bit of online dating.
I don’t really know where to go to meet anybody, especially during the pandemic.
She wants to know: Is it normal to feel this lonely?
Even though her counselor tells her shes doing great, she isnt so sure.
New episodes ofChecking Income out every Monday.
The truth is that its a mix of both.
So we touch on both, and really explore how theyre intertwined and related.
Because some forms of grief can be very long-lasting and can require special treatment.
But also, loneliness is an incredibly common part of grief and loss.
And isnt necessarily indicative of a medical condition at all.
First I speak with Katherine Shear, M.D.
Shes an internist and psychiatrist who founded and directs the Center for Complicated Grief at Columbia University.
Shes been studying and treating people with grief for more than 30 years.
And over that time shes seen a lot of different people have very different experiences of grief.
And she says all those experiences can be normal.
Grief is the form love takes when someone we love dies, Dr. Shear says.
And if you think about your love relationships, no two are are the same.
Among other things, Dr. Shear explains the difference between grief and depression, which can feel very similar.
And we really don’t have that in grief.
We sometimes feel survivor guilt.
She also gives some research-based tips on ways to work through your grief.
And yeah, maybe even start a new relationship.
Thats obviously much easier said than done though (particularly during aglobal pandemic!
In the second half of the episode, I speak with Nora McInerny.
Noras husband, Aaron, died of brain cancer in 2014.
She has since remarried and is raising a blended family with a new husband.
I talked to her about how to maintain relationships with friends and family while youre grieving.
Which is definitely not easyrelationships can go haywire after loss.
Not every relationship will survive a loss, McInerny says.
Not every friendship survives grief.
It just doesn’t.
She shares some hard-learned advice for Deanne, and everyone else whos grieving the loss of a loved one.
Namely: Learn to ask for what you need from your people.
Because most people have no idea how to be there for someone whos grieving.
And beyond that, find ways to connect with others who can relate.
It began as an in-person meeting in Minneapolis, and has since become an online space.
Contrary to its name, the group includes people of all ages and genders.
And you dont have to have been married to the person you lost.
They just have to have been your person.
It helps a lot of people feel less alone while they grieve.
If youre curious,this pagedoes an excellent job at outlining the difference between grief and complicated grief.
you’re free to also learn more about grief milestoneshere.
Nora McInerny is the author of several books and the founder of theHot Young Widows Club.
