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How-to-love-yourself advice is ubiquitous these days.
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Are we really buying it, though?
Chances are, if youve clicked on this article, you could use some support in the self-compassion area.
Thats why we consulted a few therapists who specialize in the topic.
Think of self-love as a practice, not a destinationand define it for yourself.
There is no finish line you cross when you officially love yourself.
Self-love is neither constant nor permanent.
We dont have to love everything about ourselves, and certain days will be easier than others.
Now ask yourself if youd treat yourself the same way.
What we resist persists, Dr. Gooden says.
The word accept is key hereyou dont have tolikewhats happening, Dr. Gooden emphasizes.
Self-forgiveness is another practice that can foster self-love and acceptance, Dr. Gooden says.
Instead, ask yourself what you learned during those months that might benefit you in the future.
Also important to note: The process of learning to accept and/or forgive yourself may bring up deep sadness.
Challenge your negative mental narrative by sticking to the facts.
Buddhists explain suffering as two arrows.
The first arrow is the unfortunate event that happened to usa painful arrow outside of our control.
The second arrow is the story we tell ourselves about that eventthis suffering is self-inflicted.
Self-love, Dr. Solomon says, means not shooting ourselves with that second arrow.
The first arrow, for example, could be the fact that a loved one dies of COVID-19.
Is there any evidence against these thoughts?
Is there anything you’re free to identify that makes things seem less bleak?
Youre not denying reality, but instead pointing out all the things that exist at once, Goodman says.
So you got laid off from your jobdoes that mean youre bad at what you do?
Is there evidence that proves it had nothing to do with your performance?
Or perhaps your performance at work has suffered due to challenges outside of your control.
For example, maybe social media posts that trigger comparison can fuel negative self-talk.
Dr. Gooden suggests asking yourself, Where is that story coming from?
and Is it actually true?
Or the father who was quick to point out his perceived physical flaws.
Breaking intergenerational patterns is hard to do but it can also be an empowering step in cultivating self-love.
Self-love isnt about blaming our parents or caregivers.
Acknowledge that oppression and trauma can make self-love even more challenging.
But trying to be kinder to our bodies can be one small step toward healing.
What does honoring your body look like?
Practice setting boundariesin real life and onlineto build self-worth.
Setting safe boundaries in relationships is an important step in cultivating self-love.
Part of practicing self-love is not seeking water from an empty well, she says.
I recommend making relational and sexual choices that center around pleasure, comfort, safety, and communication.
Remind yourself that lovingor at least acceptingyourself is a worthwhile pursuit.
Self-love isnt navel-gazing and never contributing to the world.
Its actually the best foundation to have a loving, healthy partnership with someone else.
Its the best foundation to be a parent.
Its the best foundation to share your gifts as you work in the world, Dr. Gooden says.
