Ive always felt different from other women.
Growing up I didnt have many female friends.
I like punk music!
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Im one of the only black people at my school!
When I went to college I shrouded myself with other unique identifiers.
I loosely adopted Buddhism, developed a serious yoga practice, got several tattoos, and wentvegetarian.
Courtesy of Chanelle Smith
Id see her everywhere, it seemed.
Sea-smooth waves, curving like a wake.
And it be not an ocean without a little salt.
They responded with a measure of skepticismafter all, Id only dated men until then.
Its not the response you hope for when you entrust someone with a secret.
I was running from myself.
I resigned myself to the fact that food was no longer for enjoyment; it was for fuel.
Instead, I was still terriblydepressedand in and out of relationships that made my self-loathing worse.
Last winter I reached my all-time low.
But none of it was fun.
I couldnt get out of bed; I was cripplingly depressed.
So, I started to dig.
Eating vegan againfueling my body with whole foods straight from the earthwas exhilarating.
One day my boyfriend and I got in our weekly fight about me avoiding intimacy.
At first I was indignant, but he was right.
Im gay, Id think as I cooked breakfast, scooped the cat box, or did Sun Salutations.
Dealing with the aftermath of that discussion was one of the most difficult things Ive done.
I moved all my belongings out of a home Id made with someone, intending to marry him.
I broke his heart in the process.
I drew flow charts to ensure I was absolutely, positively gay and not just situationally depressed.
I worked on respecting my body and finding a balance between eating for fun and eating for fuel.
Yes, coming out was hard.
But sitting here today as an out lesbian, my depression has almost completely subsided.
I finally feel free.
And best of all, now I kiss girls.
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