“Cleanses are the f*cking worst.
They’re socially acceptable starvation disguised as health, and that is the f*cking worst.”
There is no hardcore caloric restriction involved.
Nina Bahadur
The only rule is that it’s crucial that you eat at least one taco at every meal.
This means that tortilla “alternatives” like collard greens, lettuce leaves, and waffles are totally allowed.
I really enjoy food, so this “cleanse” sounded right up my alley.
This is me. I like dogs and I like food.
I absolutely hate eating breakfast.
Trying to consume food before 11 A.M. typically makes me dry-heave.
But I did not find this out until AFTER I was done with the cleanse.
The starting lineup.
More on that below).
This cleanse sounded like a wonderful opportunity to set those two challenges for myself.
There are four suggested cleanse lengths inThe Taco Cleansebook.
Meal prep success.
Before starting, I spoke with Stephanie Bogdanich, one of the authors of the cleanse.
This level of commitment scared me.
But Bogdanich assured me that I could still drink mimosas, which was soothing.
Migas scramble with salsa on corn tortillas.
The goal of the cleanse?
To have fun, enjoy the food, and learn some new recipes along the way.
One obstacle I anticipated going in is that mygluten intolerancemight make things slightly more difficult.
Acorn squash, cumin rice and guac.
And I obviously won’t be using flour tortillas.
Bogdanich flagged some gluten-free recipes for me, and I was ready to go.
Those are just fun challenges I added for myself.
Nachos with vegan cheese.
I dedicated a full Sunday afternoon to shopping, chopping, and cooking things ahead of time.
But while grocery shopping, I made an unpleasant discovery.
Almost every vegan “sausage” available at Whole Foods contains “vital wheat gluten.”
Butternut squash, acorn squash, and cumin rice in corn tortillas.
This is literally the opposite of what I would like to put in my body.
I also made sure to load up on vegan snacks like fruits and veggies, popcorn, and nuts.
The Whole Foods bill came out to around $36.
Nina Bahadur
I spent a pretty pleasurable afternoon binge-watchingJessica Joneswhile whipping up a few basics.
I organized the goods in Pyrex containers in my fridge, and felt very smug and accomplished.
Friends are supportive, but my boyfriend is confused about the concept of tacos without dairy cheese.
Korean BBQ tacos and citrus agave margaritas.
Remember, its avegantaco cleanse.
I forced myself to sit down at the kitchen table and actually eat breakfast.
I did not enjoy that.
A raw collard green and marinated kale taco.
But the tacos were delicious, and the migas scramble is a pretty good substitute for eggs.
These acorn squash tacos were A+.
I am a real adult!
Taco bowl.
Observations:So far, so good.
I could not do it.
It was 5:50 A.M. and the thought of food was repulsive to me.
Migas and kale taco bowl.
I told myself I would eat breakfast when I got to my desk at work.
I ate butternut squash, rice, and acorn tacos at my desk, and I liked it.
I used one of the Whole Foods “meat alternatives” to make Korean BBQ tacos.
Tater tot-cho tacos with agave margaritas.
They were decently good, but the MVP of the meal is the agave margarita.
It took me over 15 minutes to squeeze enough citrus juice for it, but it was worth it.
I felt very virtuous.
Vegan “risotto” situation.
But then, around 4 P.M., disaster struck.
This particular one was made with milk-derived ingredients.
Vegan streak: Broken.
This took about five minutes to assemble, and was totally delicious.
Observations:I was very ashamed by the protein bar slip up.
This was much easier to eat at my desk than the tortilla situation.
For years I’ve cooked dinner with a good friend every other week or so.
Every single time I have suggested a vegetarian recipe, he has suggested we add meat to it.
So I was shocked when he was down to try the vegan tacos, andactually liked them.
Fortunately, my dinner guest brought pre-made margarita mix for the second round.
Winter Storm Jonas was coming, and he was f*cking up my shit.
I didn’t know what it was, but I wasextremely displeased.
Firstly, a note on breakfast.
Breakfast is great if you want it, but I don’t.
I am not a breakfast failure, I am just a person who isn’t hungry in the mornings.
And that’s fine!
While I enjoyed learning new recipes and trying a different style of eating, I did not actuallyfeelany different.
When I stopped eating gluten a couple of years ago, I felt a humungous change almost overnight.
Health problems that had been bothering me for months if not years literally disappeared.
I was kind of expecting something similar to happen when I cut out dairy, but it didn’t.
There was also a hassle factor involved with eating a vegan diet.
