I tore my ACL in early August.
It was a clean tear, right at the base.
I was exhausted and depleted.
Julianne Kaye
Id grab onto anything and anyone while trying to breathe through it.
Then, eventually, came two days of labor.
I threw up with every contraction, and with every contraction came the awful back pain.
I needed to get back to work.
Actors dont get paid maternity leave.
In fact, in our contracts, pregnancy is often treated as a disability.
But I wasnt coping, I was drowning.
I was overproducing milk and my son couldnt latch properly so my boobs were not getting adequately drained.
I pumped, I used cabbage leaves, I pressed on despite bleeding and chapped nipples.
I cried through feedings and thought about quitting more than once.
I had to have a painful massage to unclog blocked ducts so as to avoid gettingmastitis.
Eventually, though, I made it through and found my groove.
My son would wait for me in my trailer with my husband while I raced to feed him.
I felt guilty if I showed up and he was crying.
Id beat myself up most days, but I never showed it at work.
Or at least, not the full extent of how much I was truly struggling.
But eventually, it takes its toll.
And looking back now, I suspect that I experiencedpostpartum depressionto some degree.
And that brings me back to my knee and this bad hip.
The hips and feet are major shock absorbers.
That hadnt always been the case.
I first became pregnant with my then-boyfriend, now-husband, two years into our relationship.
We lived together and were committed, but neither one of us was ready for parenthood.
I took a breath and called Chris.
I could hear the panic in his voice, but I quickly allayed his fears.
I had already called a privateabortionclinic and booked my appointment.
I knew we werent ready, and I knew I wasnt ready.
Ironically, I got a call that day to test for a show where women couldnt become pregnant.
People have abortions for many reasons.
In my case, I simply wasnt ready.
Thats it, and thats good enough.
I could afford to have that abortion.
I also had the means to start my family without skipping a beat in my career.
The truth is thatbanning abortion will not stop abortion, it just makes already vulnerable peoples lives more difficult.
It stops safe abortion because, rest assured, wealthy people will still have access to abortion services.
It is the poor who suffer.
It is those people already struggling who will bear the brunt of archaic legislation and fake cries of pro-life.
I am a few weeks out of my ACL surgery.
I am off crutches and pain meds.
Ive auditioned, taken meetings, and have already started physiotherapy.
I will support those who decide to carry to term and those who dont.
To my son, Kingston: I love you.
I chose to have you when I was ready.
And its the best decision Ive ever made.
