These admissions are usually told to me in a whisper, because women inevitably feel self-conscious and ashamed.
I know where theyre coming from.
After we became parents, we battled all the time.
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I called him terrible names and threateneddivorce.
My social media feed only made me feel worse.
Every birth announcement featured a giggly baby and serenely smiling parents.
Was I the only mother making obscene hand gestures to my spouse over our babys head?
Related:The 5 Borderline Embarrassing Things Every New Mom Is Googling.)
This parental fail was even more painful for me than it was for Tom.
We are only a few generations away from the traditional roles our grandparents had, after all.
In that case, Im really not alone.
###Something had to be done, as we were in real danger of splitting up.
Starting around age 4, our happy-go-lucky child was becoming more cautious, more watchful.
Worse, she began to jump between us as we argued (often saying Dont yell at Daddy.)
But the fact that my relationship with the guy I loved was eroding was a distant second.
In desperation, I consulted dozens of experts, from marital counselors to social psychologists to time management masterminds.
Here are the solutions that worked best for us.
I realized I was shutting Tom out by correcting or criticizing everything he did with our baby.
Once I was mindful of this behavior, I saw that I was doing it all the time.
As a hesitant father, this put him offand who isnt hesitant at first?
(Learn more about the art of aproductive argument.
)Most effective for us was the conflict-resolution method pioneered by eminent couples researchers John and Julie Gottman.
When a squabble is brewing, they say to start with an I statement rather than a you statement.
Admitting our role in the problem, even if its small, was also essential.
This makes it easier to find a compromise.
A helpful question to drill this down quickly is, Why is this issue important to you?
so we had actionable measures to fix the problem at hand.
One Saturday, we sat down at the kitchen table and divvied up every single task in our household.
Were our tasks split 50-50?
No, even though some of my advisers said that we should.
That little algorithm will probably be different for every couplethe important piece is the perception of fairness.
But being mad on principle didnt help either of us.
If our child was playing quietly, did it really matter if he took a nap?
Was he depriving her of valuable enrichment time?
Then let it go.
Even the busiest among us can manage that.
And it doesnt need to be skydiving, eithersimply something novel, like a cooking class.
Being playful togetherand sharing laughs, especially after the psychic was dead wrong on almost everythingabsolutely enhanced desire.
(In fact,most couples would rather discuss sex than their finances.)
Was it a source of stress?
What is your biggest fear about money?
What lessons do you want to pass on to your kids about money?
What does financial security look like to you?
Talking about your fears and worries builds empathy and understanding.
As a bonus, that responsiveness can help your sex life, too.
When their partner made them feel respected and appreciated, desire levels zoomed upwardparticularly for women.
This little ritual has strengthened our bond immeasurably.
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