She gave me her card and told me to set up a meeting.
Then, as now, I was an athlete and exercised daily.
The agent I met said he loved my look, but my legs were too “strong.”
I explained that I was a national-champion squash player.
“Quit squash,” he said.
“Then come back and see me.”
At 20, I was scouted by another agency.
After looking at my head shots, this booker asked me to stand.
Let me tell you about my legs: They look like a pair of bowling pins turned upside down.
If I flex my thighs, you’ve got the option to bounce a quarter off them.
My butt resembles two halves of a bowling ball placed side by side.
There isn’t an ounce of fat there, just muscle.
And, to be honest, some days I hate the body I worked so hard to achieve.
Hours of sprints and plyometrics gave me the build I needed to lunge, sprint and dive for shots.
I was good enough to win intercollegiate squash championships and rise to 38 in the world rankings.
I know I should appreciate my physique.
I’ve even consulted trainers about streamlining my legs.
(Impossible, I’m told.
I’m just constructed so that if I exercise at all, my thigh muscle will build.)
I recognize myself in those athletes.
I’ve endured criticism of my lower body, too, and I know I’ve internalized it.
Let’s just say this was not uttered in the spirit of admiration.
It made me want to wear sweatpants on the court.
I don’t think I’m the only one torn by this conflict between form and function.
Serena, I love you, but 155 pounds?
I’m not naive enough to think that’s due to their tennis skills.
I despise my own hypocrisy.
In general, I’m proudly unconventional and I don’t shrink from being the center of attention.
There has never been a single day when I thought I’d quit squash.
It’s a passion that I carry with me daily.
Squash has been a constant in my life since I won my first junior national championship at age 12.
Even more important, it makes me feel fantastic, both physically and mentally.
But I love what my muscles can do and how they can make me feel.
I’d never trade that, so I’m coming to terms with my choice.
Photo Credit: Gerardo Porras / Squashflash.com
