Its jarring to realize at 32 that the way youve always experienced the world isnt quite normal.
That theres something youve been missing out on without knowing.
For all these years, the concept of mental imagery never really made sense to me.
Courtesy of Lauren Krouse & Jennifer Krouse
When people said things like, I can still see it vividly, I thought they were being dramatic.
I didnt think that people could actually picture images floating somewhere in their heads.
I was confident that counting sheep was just a metaphor.
I only had words, descriptions, and details echoing inside my skull.
As usual, I didnt really see anything.
When I relayed these images to her, I felt like I was faking it.
But most of the time, I saw nothing.
As Ive now learned, theres a name for the mind blindness I was experiencing: aphantasia.
Generally, we self-identify, because there is no way to confirm if someone has it or not.
Aphantasia wasfirst describedin 1880 by the British psychologist Sir Francis Galton.
In other cases, he noted, people had lost mental imagery after head injuries.
Even after I learned about this, I still didnt quite believe it.
Did other peoplereallysee things in their heads?
Wouldnt that be distracting?
My mind was blown.
I texted multiple friends and family members and asked them if they could visualize.
All of them could; in fact they took it for granted and assumed everyone had this ability.
After all, mental imagery is such a subjective experience.
But clear differences between people with aphantasia and those with more vivid mental imagery are emerging.
In a2021 study, researchers conducted MRI scans on people with aphantasia and hyperphantasia.
I wanted to understand mental imagery as deeply as I could without experiencing it.
As people shared their stories, I realized everything I was missing out on.
For my part, I dont reexperience memories in my head.
Some studies suggest that people with aphantasia haveless vivid autobiographical memoriesandpoorer memories in general.
I see my childhood as a great expanse of nothingness with very few specific memories.
The same goes for more recent memories.
I cant envision a drawingit only appears on the page.
Now I know why.
I wonder if this is as close as Ill ever get to understanding mental imagery.
The fact that many of us dream seems to indicate that people with aphantasiacanform mental picturesjust not on command.
I cant help but wonder if aphantasia has impacted my relationship with my lifes work: writing.
My writing has always been deeply focused on moods and feelings.
Or maybe I just want to think of it that way.
It helps to focus on a potential benefit rather than the massive black hole in my mind.
Its still hard to believe that Im missing out on such a fundamental and almost universally accepted life experience.
At the same time, if I set my feelings aside, not much has changed for me.
Aphantasia is not considered a disorder or disability because it doesnt significantly affect your ability to function day-to-day.
Rather, its a neurodevelopmental trait or differencejust another example of how neurodiversity shows up in human beings.
As with many differences, aphantasia can, in a different light, begin to look like a gift.
I store many of my memories in my journal entries and photographs.
If a memory makes it in, its because I dont want to forget it.
