Two months ago, I waspregnantwith identical twin boys.
Then one day, it all fell apart.
During a routine scan at 14 weeks, we learned that the babies hearts had stopped.
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There was no warning.
I even had a great scan the week before.
They were just…gone.
I want to have those babies back so badly it hurts.
The rational part of my brain understands that reality, and Ive accepted it the best that I can.
Now I just want to be pregnant again, and my husband and I have actively been trying.
We agreed to wait a few cycles before we began the process.
At first, I was proud of myself for being fairly laid back about it.
Toward the end of the month, that chill attitude went out the windowand I began to completely obsess.
So I started Googling my symptoms.
That was my first mistake.
My mood instantly soared.
I was thrilled at the idea that we got another chance, and so soon.
I floated through the rest of the day on a cloud.
The next day, I took an early pregnancy test to see if I could get a positive.
It was negative, and my mood plummeted.
But, I reasoned, it was probably just too soon to take a test.
So, I peed on more ovulation sticks and started reading between the lines all over again.
Two days before my period was due, I took another pregnancy test.
I was not OK.
When my husband came home that night, I bawled in his arms.
We were already pregnant, I sobbed.
It just feels so unfair that we have to go through this again.
Even people without a history of anxiety or depression can fall into an obsessive mind-set, she says.
For some,the experience is upsetting; for others, its afull-blown trauma.
Waiting until you have a period makes calculating the due date of your next pregnancy easier, she explains.
But it is possible to get pregnantbefore your periodreturns.
So, it may have actually been a blessing in disguise that things didnt work out this month.
It spirals quickly out of control, she says.
Anything that ultimately increases your stress or distress should be avoided, Dr. Birndorf says.
Ditto for the Internet: Googling symptoms is a bad idea for me, so I’ve stopped.
It all gives false hope.
Instead, she recommends trying to focus on overall health and well-being and investing energy in friends and family.
Still, I want so badly to take that next step toward expanding my family.
