But one glass quickly turned into three.
Then wine morphed into vodka.
She began sneaking around and lying to her family to hide from the shame that consumed her.
Rodger Milbourne/Amanda K Bailey
Now three years sober, Milbourne wants you to know that anyone can have analcohol use disorder.
Heres her story, as told to senior health writer Katie Camero.
Not every wine mom has or will develop a problem with drinking, but it happened to me.
Photo credit: Rodger Milbourne
I grew up in a middle-class family in Southern California with two loving parents.
I didnt party often, but when I did, I always drank to excess.
But I didnt think twice about starting back up again once the baby came.
But what I really loved was drinking alone.
It felt like it was self-care.
It felt like a rewardand I deserved it.
Looking back now, I realize that I was pretty lonely.
Alcohol became my solace.
One glass turned into three.
But as time progressed, Id down entire bottles.
Thats when I started to hide my drinking.
It was this vicious cycle that just kept going and going.
I kept that up for many years without any negative consequences.
I was doing well at work.
My husband and I were still together.
No DUIs, no arrests, nothing like that.
My friends eventually nicknamed me googly eyes because of how I looked when I got drunk.
And it was funny because it all seemed harmless.
I didn’t start fights or do anything outrageous.
Again, life wasn’t forcing me to question my drinking, so I didn’t.
After about four years, I switched to vodka.
My brain kept moving the goalpost to accommodate how and what I wanted to drink.
The more I did that, the more secretive I became of my behavior, especially with my son.
I tried to keep him from seeing me as a sloppy drunk, but I wasnt always successful.
I was physically present at his school and sports functions, but not mentally.
I was desperate for him to see me as a normal mom.
But of course, that got harder to do as time went on.
My husband eventually started questioning things.
He would notice how drunk I was despite only seeing me with one glass of wine.
I started to lie; Im not a liar by nature, but thats what alcohol does to you.
Then the pandemic happened.
I was working from home and didnt have any real accountability.
Suddenly 5 p.m. would come a little earlier.
It got bad, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything to anyone.
They wrote me beautiful letters of care and love asking me to get sober.
For the first time, a switch flipped.
I realized I had a real problem and was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I agreed to go to a local detox center in April 2021.
On my first night there, I called my husband crying, begging him to pick me up.
I told him I was nothing like these people.
But thank God he said no because I soon realized that I was exactly like everyone else there.
We had different drugs of choice, but we all shared the same struggle.
I moved on to rehab about two days later.
Ive now been sober for three years.
Many people assume someone like me doesnt have an alcohol use disorder.
But that couldnt be further from the truth.
Thats why I startedsharing my sobriety journey on TikToknearly two years ago.
My sobriety has been truly life-changing.
Im still in therapy, which has evolved from talking about my alcohol use to just life overall.
I also meet with a womens Alcoholics Anonymous group for community and connection.
My goal really is to help him have the emotional intelligence to talk about it because I couldnt.
I want him to have enough self-awareness to say, I need help.
Dont wait until you have a DUI.
Don’t wait until your spouse leaves you or you lose your job.
Start questioning your drinking today, particularly if alcohol use disorder runs in your family.
Instead of asking yourself, Is my drinking a problem?
think, Is alcohol serving my life in a positive way?
And stop comparing yourself to others because you never know whats happening behind closed doors.
Everyone wishes they wouldve quit sooner, and there’s a reason for that.
Its hard, but its worth questioning.
That, to me, is real self-care.
