In March,Netflixreleased alistof the 10 hardest-to-watchhorror filmson the platform.
I approached this news, as I do most things, with skepticism.
How scary could these movies possibly be?
Getty Images / Silver Screen Collection / Movie Poster Image Art / L. Busacca / Graphic by Morgan Johnson
It sounded like a challenge.
Im not a horror movie buff by any means.
Ive probably seen 10 in my life, and I found most of them to be disappointing.
I decided Id test my mettle by seeing if I could watch all 10 from start to finish.
And to test the movies themselves, Id use sciencein the form of a fitness tracker.
The goal of the films is to get ones heart racing, right?
I was prepared to be bored and disappointed, as always.
But I was also willing to admit when they legitimately frightened mewith the heart rate data as proof.
Ill watch Adam Scott in anything, and Id forgotten Jessica Szohr existed until watching this movie.
I was also immediately charmed by the films garbage CGI and cheesy playlist.
I took notes throughout the film, and I included being extremely bored about 30 minutes into the movie.
Then again 37 minutes in.
(See those blue lines?
A visual illustration of my boredom, if you will.)
As you could likely infer from the graph, there were several “big scares” throughout the film.
That final scarethe jump at theveryend of the chartcaught me off-guard, and I loved it.
(The film was inspired by the myth of the “vagina dentata"Latin for “toothed vagina.
“Teethtouches on this myth, but I had to google it tolearn more.)
At its worst, its an ignorant film that perpetuates the same misogyny it tries to satirize.
All things considered, it was a generally entertaining (albeit uneven) watchthough I wouldnt call it scary.
I see why some people would turn it off, but I wouldn’t have.
And Imighteven watch it again.
In other words, dont expect to be on the edge of your seat during this one.
Looking at the graph, youll notice a couple jumpsone around 12:50 P.M. and another around 1:20 P.M. (That said, I probably wouldnt watch it again.
It was interesting enough for one viewnot two.)
It did not.The Voidwas incredibly boring and confusing.
I definitely wouldve turned it off earlier.
The verdict:The Voidwas one of the most dull, convoluted films Ive ever seen.
I still have no idea what happened in it.
I rarely (rarely!)
I went into theHuman Centipede 2full of dread, and I emerged full of misery.
Never in my life have I wanted to watch aHuman Centipedefilm, I wrote before putting on the film.
And after watching it, I realized how well-founded my disgust for the franchise was.
In fact, it largely coasted at 70.
Thats because this movie wasnt scaryit was just fucking disgusting.
A few minutes into the film, I noted excessive gore.
At 10 minutes, I wrote, This guy has already killed everyone hes encountered.
Slow your roll, man.
Four minutes later: Literally I might vomit.
But, reader, I could not watch this movie again.
Also worth noting: As you could see, the app logged some rogue data.
Im not sure where this data came from, but it certainly wasnt when I was watching the movie.
The verdict:This was the most disgusting thing Ive ever forced myself to watch.
Three weeks passed before I sat down to watchThe Conjuring,a cult favorite thats inspired several other films.
It just wasnt there.
The data isnt nearly as detailed, but it gets the job done.
I might have turned this one off part-way through, and I definitely wouldnt watch it again.
Thats, uh, a huge rangeand this is where that minute-by-minute data wouldve really come in handy.
Also worth noting: This movie waswaymore fun to watch than the previous three.
The verdict:Cabin Feverwas an OK movie.
I wouldnt turn it off early, but I probably wouldnt watch again.
(Dont ask me what the nightmare was.
I had a really hard time following the narrative.)
I was heartenedor at least intriguedwhen I first put on the movie.
Plus, there was someBlack Mirror-esque technology commentary woven in.
Unfortunately, even the eccentric directorial choices could not save this convoluted mess from itself.
Ill be honest, I have no idea what happened in this movie.
But I really dont know.
What I do know is it wasnt particularly scary.
The verdict:JeruZalemwas weird, confusing, and mostly tedious.
I wouldve turned it off halfway through out of sheer frustration.
These movies have ruined me.)
The only note I took during the film: At least this one is short.
There were no real jumps or serious dipsjust some standard vacillation.
The verdict:Carnage Parkwas whatever.
It wasnt offensively gross or boringplus it was shortso making it to the end wasnt that hard.
It just wasnt enjoyable, either.
I dont think I wouldve turned it off; again, it was short.
I just couldnt power through another disappointing film.
But the movie ended up being disgusting and disturbingin the worst way possible.
For starters, each segment is introduced by a brief title card that gruesomely depicts the violence ahead.
And some of the segments are equally hard to watch.
In the fourth one, you watch a teenage girl get kidnapped and raped by a troll.
And yes, you see the rape in gratuitous detail.
I rarely have emotional reactions to movies, but watching these scenes back-to-back was incredibly hard.
I wouldve turned this movie off during the gruesome rape scene.
The verdict:I hated this.
I wish I couldve turned this one off sooner.
My hypothesis was correct!
Genuine, on-the-edge-of-your-seat thrillsno gore, cheesiness, or boredom required.
