My feeling unappreciated and stressed-out was.
On that, at least, we both agreed.
She had a businesslike air and a sleek, black leather couch that felt cold on my bare legs.
I spoke first, and as I did, my eyes began to well up.
“My kids are incredible, and I love my job,” I said.
“I feel tremendously lucky that we have so many blessings in our lives.”
Then I got to the “but.”
My ensuing list of grievances about the man I love surprised even me.
I told the psychologist that it felt as if my husband was my adversary, not my ally.
But I was upset, even more than I’d recognized.
I was also tired, overwhelmed and lonely.
Laying it all out without censoring myself the way I usually did made me cry even harder.
My husband put his arm around me, though I’m sure he was stunned by my litany.
I was a blubbering mess.
Once I listed everything in a single breath, I decided I was justified in feeling overwhelmed.
Who wouldn’t in my situation?
True, I also felt embarrassed and vulnerable, like I’d accidentally thrown up on someone important.
But I was the tiniest bit relieved, as well.
There was silence in the room, save for my snuffly breathing.
The therapist studied me.
“Have you ever been depressed?”
In fact, I told her I was now on an antidepressant that had helped me enormously.
“Well, you should definitely talk to your doctor about increasing your dosage,” she said.
Promise me you’ll do that?"
I nodded, dumbly.
She was the authority and charged the fee to prove it.
We spent the remainder of the session listening to my husband’s more measured point of view.
She nodded but asked him no questions.
I was sure she’d say something meaningful or profound, but she didn’t.
As for me, I’d already laid my heart bare and so I said nothing more.
As we headed home, my husband shook his head.
“I was a little shocked that she suggested you take more drugs,” he said.
Shouldn’t she have waited for the full 50 minutes, at least?
Wasn’t it OK for me to be really, really upset?
Whatever happened to having a good cry and feeling better afterward?
Not that I have anything against medication.
In fact, I am categorically pro-antidepressants for someone who needs them.
I’d battled the blues for the better part of a decade, starting in high school.
I chose not to call my doctor.
But first, I would let my emotions guide me.
So my husband and I found another couples therapist, who has been wonderful.
But I’m glad we saw the first therapist.
Which doesn’t require a prescription at all.
Photo Credit: John Dolan
