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I dont remember a time when I wasnt trying to lose weight.
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I never felt better though, only more anxious, more miserable, and more hopeless.
So instead, I just kind of gave up.
The op-ed was all over my social media feeds, shared most fervently by fellow women.
Knoll wrote, At its core…wellness is about weight loss.
Again, this is nothing new to fat folks.
Believe me when I say we always knew terms liketoxinsandclean eatingwere about achieving a small body.
Registered dietitians Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch released the seminal bookIntuitive Eatingon the topic back in 1995.
It turns out, though, that Id just signed up for something much bigger than a diet tweak.
It isnt, as its been characterized by some, a free-for-all or even a hunger-fullness diet.
I dove into my first week of intuitive eating full of enthusiasm.
Ive got this, I thought.
Just listen to my body, tell dieting to shove it, and live freely.
All I had to do was what came naturally, right?
How hard could that be?
Oh, I was just dehydrated!
Id think, repeating a phrase diet books had taught me, while my tummy continued to grumble.
That there was indeed a skinny person inside of me crying out for vegetables and nothing but.
Or that my default state was to worship at the altar of wellness.
I assumed that merely taking on the ethos of intuitive eating meant I was free of diet culture.
Of course, that wasnt the case.
Despite what I was telling myself, I was still trying to lose weight.
Somewhere in my lizard brain, I hoped that intuitive eating would just be a diet that stuck.
And, to her credit, my nutritionist saw right through me.
At our next session, I gushed over my intuitively healthy choices and she called me out.
Once again, Id failed at a diet.
But I hadnt, not really.
It would have to be a total makeover of how I see myself and my body.
We talked about Health at Every Size, a concept that I admittedly had entirely misunderstood.
Shes encouraged me to exercise for funimagine!instead offixating on burning calories.
I dont feel happy about my body all the time, but I do respect it more.
I havent had the guts to throw out my scale, but I havent stepped on it either.
Lauren Strapagiel is a breaking reporter for BuzzFeed News.
She writes about internet culture, mental health, LGBTQ issues, and being an anxious lesbian.
