I think I really, truly disassociated from feeling positive feedback or negative feedback.
I had such a guard up….
I just felt like this is the most scary, vulnerable thing I could ever, ever do.
Heather Hazzan.
I first learned that Van Ness had HIV from aNew York Timespush notification in September 2019.
(Van Ness, 33, uses he/she/they pronouns.)
It wasnt like it was a secret in my life.
Heather Hazzan. Wardrobe Styling by Kat Typaldos. Makeup by Patty Carrillo. Hair by JVN. On JVN: Jacket by Valentino.
And then I was like, Yes, you have to talk about it.
And then I just was going to go for it.
Some of the most famous HIV disclosures have been marred by scandal.
Heather Hazzan. Wardrobe Styling by Kat Typaldos. Makeup by Patty Carrillo. Hair by JVN. On JVN: Jacket by Kenzo.
Hed also launched a career in stand-up comedy and sold out Radio City Music Hall.
The truth was, he was still climbing.
His podcast,Getting Curious With Jonathan Van Ness,has been nominated for the E!
Heather Hazzan. Wardrobe Styling by Kat Typaldos. Makeup by Patty Carrillo. Hair by JVN. On JVN: Coat by Sacai.
Peoples Choice Awards pop podcast of 2020.
And now he writes childrens books.
Van Ness speaks with a warmth that breaks through the cold, impersonal monotony of Zoom.
Heather Hazzan. Wardrobe Styling by Kat Typaldos. Makeup by Patty Carrillo. Hair by JVN. On JVN: Jacket by Valentino. Shorts by Craig Green. Socks by Falkes.
I find myself wanting to share with him as he shares with me.
Van Ness is speaking to me from his new home in Austin.
He has, of course, spent an inordinate amount of time at home thanks to theCOVID-19 pandemic.
Heather Hazzan. Wardrobe Styling by Kat Typaldos. Makeup by Patty Carrillo. Hair by JVN. On JVN: Dress by Issey Miyake.
The pandemic interruptedQueer Eyes filming in Austin, and Van Ness decided to quarantine in the Texas capital.
And then we came, and everything shut down.
Is this a liberal bastion in Texas?
Heather Hazzan. Wardrobe Styling by Kat Typaldos. Makeup by Patty Carrillo. Hair by JVN. On JVN: Coat by Sacai. Dress by Cult Gaia. Socks by Gucci. Rings Jennifer Fisher.
And it kind of is.
I started exploring and was like, Oh, my God, I want to move here.
Then I found a house, and I loved it.
Heather Hazzan. Wardrobe Styling by Kat Typaldos. Makeup by Patty Carrillo. Hair by JVN. On JVN: Coat by Acne. Tank by Hanes.
His watermelons sprouted to about the size of my face, he says, but didnt see adulthood.
He blames irregular watering.
My watermelons did not make it, and I dont want to talk about it, he says.
Ill commandeer the rest of the conversation about my watermellies, and its really devastating.
There are not enough resources in the HIV social safety net anywhere.
And the access and the care that we do have, you constantly have to fight for it.
Four years ago, Van Ness was living in Los Angeles, working as a hairstylist.
But after he failed out of the University of Arizona, much of the financial assistance stopped.
Clients would talk his ear off about their new multi-thousand-dollar sunglasses and then drop a $10 tip.
Now, even with his treatment regimen, he remains cautious about the coronavirus.
I think its chic.
Let me give you full hazmat realness out here.
I dont mind if it keeps me more safe.
I remember coming out to a family member and being told, Just dont get AIDS.
He heard about it on the news.
A family friend contracted the virus when he was young.
He adds: Yeah, he was really cute, but anyway.
Post-diagnosis, Van Ness has sometimes found himself on the opposite end of the scenario.
By the time I was 25, I knew what the rules were.
I wasnt as nervous about it, especially with casual hookups, because its easy.
You just tell them on Grindr or Scruff or whatever, he says.
Its a little bit easier dealing with it there than IRL.
But that moment was tough.
I was like, Really?
Thats really going to be a thing youre going to drop me like a hot sack of potatoes over?
Ive experienced everything from No big deal at all to Thats a big deal for me.
Thanks for telling me, and then not talking to you anymore.
I think that people are getting a lot more informed, but the stigma and the ignorance still remain.
Id literally seen every single dick over the age of 25, honey, he explains.
Ive been there, Ive done that.
I was very busy in my 20s.
When I ask him about his dating life now, hes coy: Private.
It is a whole pile of complicated.
Van Ness credits his ability to be so vulnerable to twice-a-week therapy for the past eight years.
I wasnt honest all the way with [some of my early] therapists, he says.
Whether it was my acting out, or smoking more than I was telling them, or whatever.
You might as well light the money on fire and throw it out the window, he adds.
They didnt specialize in trauma.
They didnt understand LGBTQ+ issues.
They didnt know about surviving abuse.
He says that people sometimes want salacious details about his life, such as how he contracted HIV.
(Yes, its uncouth to ask about that.
Once someone has HIV, just ask them how theyre doing.)
This kind of question, Van Ness says, misses the point.
The point is the healing, Van Ness says.
I dont want to talk about the trauma.
I want to talk about the healing.
As a survivor of abuse, Im not willing to retraumatize myself for someones story.
My filter worked, he says at one point, before becoming too intimate for comfort.
Van Ness admits he has struggs with some boundaries still, though.
He takes on multiple jobs and appearances, often for free.
This is a pivotal point in our nations history, and he wants to play his part.
We are speaking only a few weeks before the election.
We have a president whos trying to turn this democracy into an autocracy.
We have a whole Republican Senate whos trying to put a fucking handmaid on the goddamn Supreme Court.
Yes, Ill do that Zoom.
Yes, Ill do that thing.
Yes, Ill be here for you.
Then comes the fatigue.
I was in quarantine but working harder than I was when I wasnt in it.
There was a minute where every weekend I was like, Why am I crying in the bathtub?
I want to do right by baby JVN.
But he knows he sometimes needs to step away to decompress.
You have to have enough gas in your tank to be able to do the work.
I want a wealth tax, he says.
Take all my money, honey.
Van Ness has already accomplished so much.
What could possibly be next?
He could be a lifestyle guru, a Martha Stewart with a mustache.
When I ask Van Ness what he envisions for himself, hes ready.
Hell often measure time in periods between Winter Olympics.
I wonder if theres just a bronze/novice/beginner/basic-little-baby adult league I could do.
And even if I dont win, its fine.
As his star rises, he also feels himself called back to his first love: hair.
I miss a little Transformation Tuesday.
I need to get my hands in some hair.
At one point, I ask Van Ness abouta podcast interviewhe did with NPRs Sam Sanders in September 2019.
Van Ness, before responding, says that he feels his chest swell before he can answer the question.
I ask him where he is on his journey of recovery.
And I think, Yes, I can.
When I think about this, Im conversely struck by all the things hes been able to become.
When theQueer Eyereboot launched, many people saw Van Ness as the shows comic relief.
Hes become a best-selling author and a standing-room-only comedian.
And some of his toughest, best work has been done in healing his own wounds.
Theres no doubt that Van Ness will become something new next, as the projects continue to pile up.
But, most important, hell never stop becoming who hes meant to be.
Header image: Wardrobe Styling by Kat Typaldos.
Makeup by Patty Carrillo.
On JVN: Jacket by Y/Project.
Top by Tory Burch.
Shoes by Bottega Veneta.
Rings by Jennifer Fisher.
