Being onstage with Kesha looks different than you might picture.
Inside, the lights are off.
I can barely see the tiny freckles dappled all over Keshas bare faceher natural glitter.
On Kesha: Top by Celine from Paume LA. Underwear by CUUP. Pants by Tibi. Hoop earrings by FSPR. Teardrop earrings by Tiffany & Co. Shoes by Adidas.
Kesha sits on a hulking throne of carved wood and green velvet with her knees pulled against her chest.
Between us is a stack of hardcovers with titles likeThe Magic in Your MindandThe Drama of Love and Death.
Lately, she tells me, theres a feeling of just really searching for who I am.
On Kesha: Top by Goldsign. Skirt by Nguyen. Hoop earrings by FSPR. Teardrop earrings by Tiffany & Co. Shoes by Adidas.
The setting, and Kesha herself, feel far removed from the spangly artifice that first made her famous.
My fans came to me for joy, and I didnt want to disappoint them, she explains.
That glitzy, feral charisma bomb is still a part of who Kesha is.
On Kesha: Blazer by Tibi. Bodysuit by Heros. Skirt by Dion Lee. Hoop earrings by Jennifer Fisher. Shoes by Adidas.
Its even more exhilarating to see that herself.
Ive lived in the public eye since I was 22, she points out.
In the absence of that constant attention, she started to contend with its effects.
On Kesha: Bodysuit by Heros. Overalls by Tibi.
Ive had people dissect every part of me.
And it can be embarrassing.
It can be crazy-making, Kesha says.
On Kesha: Bodysuit by Heros. Overalls by Tibi. Shoes by Femme LA.
It was written in the throes of a panic attack.
I had to shed light on the darker sides of what happens in my mind.
(Dr. Luke has publicly denied all sexual assault and harassment charges against Kesha.)
On Kesha: Earrings by Ariana Boussard Reifel.
The producer filed a countersuit for breach of contract and defamation, and theyve been embroiled in litigation since.
His defamation suit against Kesha is scheduled to go to trial in July.
Its fun, she says, laughing.
On Kesha: Earrings by Ariana Boussard Reifel.
Thats the reason I did it in the first place!
I didnt quite think it was going to be so etched in stone as who I am.
On Fine Line, she sings, All the doctors and lawyers cut the tongue out of my mouth.
On Kesha: Top by Goldsign. Skirt by Nguyen. Hoop earrings by FSPR. Teardrop earrings by Tiffany & Co. Shoes by Adidas.
But what about the doctors mentioned in these lyrics?
According to Kesha, this silencing was, in fact, her own response to a new diagnosis.
Shes kept this news private until now out of fear it would attract negative attention.
On Kesha: Top by Goldsign. Skirt by Nguyen. Hoop earrings by FSPR. Teardrop earrings by Tiffany & Co. Shoes by Adidas.
I just never wanted to be the whiny, privileged girl, she says.
Also, my image had been that of going out and having fun.
CVID is a lifelong condition that affects one in 25,000 to 50,000 people globally.
I had to shed light on the darker sides of what happens in my mind.
When youre lucky enough to have a song that catches on, youre just trying to keep up.
It led to severe exhaustion physically and mentally, Kesha says.
Instead, shes decided to change course and try something novel:rest.
Whatever you might remember about her snooze-when-were-dead bangers, her wee hours of the morning look quite different now.
I learned after my diagnosis that sleep is the most important thing.
I took that for granted for, God, about 29, 30 years.
I feel like Im just playing catch-up on my teens and twenties, still.
Kesha is also in ongoing recovery for bulimia, which began with a two-month inpatient rehab stay in 2014.
It was taking up so much of my brain space, from morning to night.
In her 2014 legal filing, Kesha alleged that Dr. Luke cruelly and incessantly criticized her weight.
(Dr. Lukes lawyer released a statement saying the emails were out-of-context.)
Ten months after she first checked herself into rehab, she filed her first lawsuit against him.
But Kesha has something else knocking around in her mind.
Throughout our conversation, Kesha has audibly reminded herself that its okay to be candid when she wants to.
Kesha resumes her seat on the mystics throne and inhales.
She knows exactly what she wants to say.
I almost died in January, Kesha begins.
Shes speaking deliberately, alternately staring into me and casting her eyes down.
Last year, she froze her eggs.
(Kesha chose to share some of the specifics off the record.)
She was transferred to a hospital in Miami, where she spent nine days.
I finally feel recovered, but it took a couple months, she says.
She doesnt want to be seen as prescriptive about pregnancy.
I just was taking my reproductive health into my own hands, she says.
And I stand by everyone doing that and [honoring] your body.
I dont have that perfectly mapped out, she says.
Shes protective of her bond with her boyfriend, whom she declines to name.
She broke out in head-to-toe hives, alarming her partner.
He was like, What did you do?!
That was it for her castor oil privileges.
I started cooking; I go to the farmers market.
Its important to her that others know that eating disorder recovery is possible.
No one could have told me this 10 years ago, but…freedom from that obsession is there.
It takes work to get there.
Part of her overall treatment means checking in with her body as a conduit for healing her mind.
Kesha does eye movement desensitization and reprocessing(EMDR) therapy.
Kesha knows life is painful.
As a part of that, Kesha sends gratitude to the former selves that ushered this one into being.
I look back in the same way at pictures of me when I was 22.
Its an enormous shift away from how she felt when she first saw herself in those photographs.
Some things havent changed.
Kesha has been a broad-strokes cheerleader for LGBTQ+ people throughout her career.
Saying its heartbreaking is not enough, Kesha says, and shes rightit isnt.
Shes trying to figure out what might be more actionable.
What Ive accepted in my life is, you keep marching forward.
I dont have the answer, and Im not a politician, but thats the energy.
It gets really exhausting seeing attack after attack after attack on the queer community, she says.
And if theres anything else that I can do, Im available for that.
I went, when I was about 14, to the gay bar in Nashville and instantly felt home.
And my biggest issue was nonacceptance and non-love toward queer people.
The centers snowy-headed president drops in to go over some books with us in the gift shop.
Looking at the esoterica, Kesha perks upits like her freckles activate.
Shes late for something important, but who cares?
Thats an everyday mantra for me.
you’ve got the option to also reach ANADs toll-freeeating disorder helplineby calling 1-(888)-375-7767.
