I remember the first time I saw my disability.
I stopped myself and took a breath.
I tried again, with the same result: Mmmmmm…mmmm…mmmm.
Courtesy of Rachel Hoge
This wasnt the first time.
I was born with a neurological speech impediment (also known as a stutter).
Other times my face looked frozen, like I was waiting to sneeze.
When I started repeating syllables, my lips twitched and my eyes darted around in a frenzy.
Is this really how the world sees me?
Id watched my friends who stutter make such expressions, and Id always encouraged self-acceptance.
But face-to-face with my own stutter that day, I stared at my reflection with contempt.
Anything you might do to draw attention to your mouth is good, she says in a voice-over.
No, I thought to myself, maybe notanythingis good.
And for a while, thats what I did.
I gathered up every tube of lipstick or colored gloss.
I threw each one in a bag and buried it deep inside my bathroom closet.
I stared at my bare lips in the mirror.
This helps you blend in, I convinced myself.
Your stutter wont stand out now.
But I noticed that going out with friends had started to feel less joyful.
I mumbled through conversations about my favorite books or TV shows, topics I normally wouldve been energized by.
This is not to say that wearing lipstick is essential to everyone, of course.
These are the images I contemplated during my weeks of lipstick withdrawal.
Here was the indisputable answer:nope.
Attempting to hide my disability by refusing to wear lipstick hadnt made me stand out less.
It had only made me miserable.
I still dont remember the exact day I ended my weeks-long lipstick fast.
Maybe I was on my way to work, or class, or dinner.
Maybe I wore a nude gloss or a deep shade of berry.
Perhaps the color was a much bolder violet, coral, or bubblegum pink.
The specific shade isnt whats important.
Whats important is the transformation it inspiredone I didnt know I needed until I looked into the mirror.
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